Top recent posts by Internet Weirdos on Bluesky

“It’s almost go time,” I whisper to my turtlenecks.

“So my wife walks in out of the rain, soaked from head to toe, and I say, ‘Look kids, it’s a drizzly bear!’ She hasn’t spoken to me in two days, but it was totally worth it.”

what if I'm always hungry like the wolf what then

your email could have been a pic of a dog in a halloween costume

Norwegian death metal band Hvalross to release new album “Blood in the Water” this Friday. The first single, “Something Smells Fishy” is available to stream now on all major services.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a ghost but one time I was taking out an old window frame and exposed rough hewn hatchet marks that had been covered by trim for a 100 years

Oh the disappointment fades away with time. You'll be fine.

The hamburger helper glove when it sees anyone's naked hands: ew

Putting the finishing touches on my fall wardrobe by running through the bushes and coming away with a coat of orb weavers.

Cooper got a squeaky banana toy. 🐾

I have completed a tchotchke

quite often a suspect can be spotted loitering around the crime scene

We never really gave the phrase "Who watches the watchmen?" much thought until our auditor was arrested for check kiting.

just opened the bag of air conditioner’ed air i brought home from the office yesterday and it isn’t even cold anymore ??

this kid going dead-weight immediately

"Uh oh, SpaghettiOs," she whispers , moments before erupting in a geyser of meat sauce and dough rings.

he hates this

do you believe that shitler will be mailing us checks of either $100 or $5,000 ?

[science lab] SCIENCE TEACHER: is everything ok ME: it will be in a minute TEACHER: what do you ok ME: ok OK: ok ok ok OK: ok ok OK: ok ok ok ok ok

people will always disappoint you except me of course I'm a perfect angel

pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel stuffed down his pants. bartender asks him what the deal is, and the pirate says “arr it’s driving me nuts!”

Did it again (brought piss to a shit fight)

What if our pets just have Stockholm Syndrome

my new favorite Dad Bit™️ is giving bebé a tiny shoulder rub and saying things like “you’ve had a hard day” and “you’re carrying a lot of tension up here”

basically it boils down to pay attention to me but not like that

something of public interest- petco has a page where people who have lost or found lost pets can post info to share with people in their area. I get maybe one email a week from them saying someone in my neighborhood has lost or found a pet, then I share it with my neighbors. petcolove.org/lost/

sleepmaxxing is this anything

The latest merch is now in our gift shop. Drop in for a shot glass, pill holder, mouse pad, or blood offering.

some people are like a fabulous bookstore where you can’t wait to dive into every story

Bitter chocolate is just chocolate that was passed over for promotion at work just before going to sign the papers for its second divorce.

the problem with forgetting all my troubles is the remembering them again part

I have blood on my hands because I used the wrong pump at the sink, what of it

puddins taken over my lap: LOVE ME FEED ME SQUISH ME

ME: What's your favourite Olympic event? WIFE: Discus ME: Omg I would if you'd answer my question, Sharon

ME: The Godfather and The Godfather Part II are a coppola great movies FILM CRITIC: holy shit

All my feeds are back! Its been rough week looking for you all. If anyone felt ignored it wasn't intentional.

*calling an ambulance because I think I accidentally took a second multivitamin*

Sunday toof and foots

your under-eyes are looking plump bro. you been using creams? yoooo i’ve been meaning to get into masks. feel like masks is ball knowledge

Something looks different, Wonder Woman. Did you change your hair?

only 1/3 of people on Medicare. the rest can fuck off and 💀 apparently tho, either way, i don’t think anyone’s vote is only worth $90. all that covers these days is the gas to get to the polling place.

my daughter said that she votes for whatever the freeway overpass protesters tell her to

"a touch of class" is not enough class

That burning pit in my stomach is how I know I'm alive. <inspirational>

*Freddie Mercury voice* we... are the riffraff... my friends

Omg this whole time I thought they said to take the path of most resistance

Oh not much just standing outside in the rain with my insistent Labrador because she loves to smell rain and get muddy

Waiting for me to say a word that starts with "w"

Weird in the normal way

i just ate like ten cookies

Just biding my time until I’m old enough to be the sassy old porch lady in a horror movie.

we are the sons of the meat you could not ball

This day in history. 2013. London won the title of number 1 Crap Town in the UK after a 10 year reign by Hull. 2 months later Hull was named the UK's next City of Culture for 2017. 2020 me would investigate how a city could receive an award for 2017 in 2013 but nothing matters now, which saves time.

i shall not rest until there is a Pillsbury Dough Girl

this year's julie crop is almost ripe for harvest

what eating cereal feels like

i can’t come out to play today,, bluesky . i have a tummy ache jk my foot hurts jk my neck is sore jk my ankle is twisted jk my jaw is locked jk my

If you see this post all the pictures of crosswalks from your photo library without explanation

Everything is stupid and the bad people are winning

Ordering a family-sized pizza for one person is fine until the delivery driver says "enjoy the party," forcing you into a high-stakes, instant improvised performance of pretending you have friends in the living room.

i wisj i could lay millions of eggs and let the babies eat me when they hatch

men - stop saying “women shouldn’t put themselves in these situations” bc the situation you’re referring to is actually men.

Why isn't broasting a cooking method

"How can you suggest that we are causing harm by deporting people to countries where they have no connection like *checks notes* South Sudan?"

a million little julies

I would like to become the villain man-bat from Batman, as my life. I want to inject myself with bat DNA, turn into a bat that walks like a guy, be REAL fuckin upset about it, and still wear MY OWN pants during all of it. and that’s where I see myself in 5 years did I get the job

the president is the messiest bitch on the block

me: oh so it’s a crime to take a picture? museum security guard: *pointing taser at me* yes

if i never have to watch another youtube video of a white guy making something and talking about it i am so okay with that

bluesky: for the peasants, by some other peasants

just made cookies and stood in front of the oven with the door cracked for a moment when I turned it off to feel the heat, and had an immediate flashback to the inside of my car in vegas during the summer

Having a beer in a bubble bath if you even care

We’re one day closer to Trump leaving office (one way or another).

I got fired from the mustard cutting factory

*telling my urologist that my eyes are up here*

said excuse me sir to a service dog i was passing and he nodded

literally the first time ive ever seen something and earnestly thought "lol money printer go brrrr"

need him so bad

I had terrible eyesight growing up. The kids at school called me Harry Potter because both my parents died when I was a baby.

Her: Why should I go out with you? What value do you bring to the table? Me: Temporary boredom relief.

A hermit crab has claimed one of my shoes as its new home. I'm not mad, but if I can't find a second crab to take the other shoe it's going to bother me

I don't want to play family mediator in this disaster of a day.

If you see this, post a vampire that isn't Dracula

my handle is once again valid! let the people rejoice, for I rejoin our elite elders, to post le shit and occasionally be worthy of the riffraff, since I am the riffraff

where my julieheads at

MY HARDCOVERS CAME AND THEY ARE GORGEOUS!! 😍♥️

When we went to the Tower of London, there was this young female Yeoman Warden near the ravens at the armory who said yeah they love people watching and on average I see them inflict three to four notable wounds a day

Grown-up life is just promising yourself you’ll go to bed early, then watching three hours of random videos instead.

“im still goth,” i say, rubbing arthritis cream on my feet, adding orthotic inserts into my (hands-free ) sneakers & walking gingerly from my chair to my other chair while saying “ow, ow”, “goddammit. ow”

dude has like 100k followers or something, i pray most of them are hate-watching. the good news is there aren’t many of those jugs left in existence

I'm a self-made man. My father, David Ellison or "Pawpaw" to me, has had no bearing on my success

me: i will not post. also me: *posting* also me: *deleting* also me: *reposting* also me: *crying*

I love going to the movies with @hotsoftdaddy.bsky.social it's one of my favorite things

look into the ablyss it's much nicer

I'll just floss tomorrow

is Trump a vampire (of course yes) ? discuss

I remember the moment ads destroyed every platform I've been on.. going strong..bluesky

jfc how is this real