Top recent posts by Internet Weirdos on Bluesky

my husband’s birthday cake is giving big homer simpson vibes

So do I have this right: the fire department will bring a ladder truck to rescue a cat and the LAPD will execute your dog without a preliminary hearing ?

New app: do you want to enable notifications? Me: I don't even want to have this phone

Clawdio opens the spam folder, finds an email labeled “Free Treats,” and plays the attached file. A series of electronic screeches emanate from the laptop. Agent P14376Q14X, now activated, awaits further instructions. A satellite phone under the pillow begins to ring.

the cat days of summer are when you cry a lot to be fed in between napping and biting

Found JD Vance’s biography

showing up in the timeline

“Comparison is the thief of joy” that’s a pretty good saying. But I’ve heard better

like this post to forget everything

but day spensive

i forgot i was watching 𝘔𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘰 which really enhanced the experience

Apparently when you're on an elevator and someone asks what floor you want..."pelvic" isn't an appropriate answer

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just fill it with pudding.

Me and this robin have a symbiotic relationship: I rake up leaves and wood chips while thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made, and she eats worms

JD Vance says the Strait of Hormuz is closed only temporarily in order to paint the bottom American flag blue.

We’re one day closer to Trump leaving office (one way or another).

honestly one of the most relatable women ever written into a show

During sexy time: HYDRATION BREAK

The average person swallows 8 spiders annually. The above-average person can choke down several dozen.

Hey dads – and moms who’ve filled in for dads – if you’ve ever woken up in a cold sweat wondering if you’ve been a good dad, you have been.

put la croix in the reflecting pool

i didn’t cross oceans of time just to read bad posts

in Los Angeles the police Will murder an innocent pet These are their stories.

puddins and I hope you're having a lovely Saturday ❤️

I'm at my most psychotic when I don't wear earbuds while walking the dog.

you guys didn’t know me in 2021 but i had a soccer mullet that summer. don’t have the patience to do that again but it was fun at the time

Is everyone in the world going to continue to fall for this cease-fire peace-deal bullshit every two days? And if so my questions are as follows: how did you get so stupid and gullible? Do you want to buy a bridge in Crimea?

I'm bored do you wanna be really kind to each other for no reason other than we deserve it or nah

me: one time i had a dream that i was having sex with José Andrés & i kept screaming YES, CHEF my gynecologist: what

that moment of relief when you realize those ugly age spots are actually just gravy splatter

The inspector is here

bob, no.

So-called "experts" at the zoo tell me that I can't keep climbing into the penguin enclosure. Demonstrably false.

me: ppl say that i wear my heart on my sleeve but that’s actually a ketchup stain my gynecologist: what

I'm a really hot psychic. You could say I'm psychotic.

Hot boy summer shirts have arrived

I karaoke’d It’s a Shame About Ray at the China Buffet last night and 2 widows, a widower, and a market analyst had me sign their breasts. One guy had an asthma attack

So embarrassed - my calendar says it's the king's birthday today and I haven't even sent a raven

wild thing to say considering bush did 9/11

id probably fall for a trap if the bait was jello shots

I have touched the algae that were in the reflecting pool and which you were probably saving for the president Forgive me they were irresistible so slimy and so green

Dad: guess what 5: what Dad: chickenbutt 5: hahaha Dad: hahaha **** Dad: guess what 15: Dad: chickenbutt 15: *removes one earbud* what Dad:

Checking my armpits for the bulbs of the plague, disappointed to find that most suspicious marks are just ingrown hairs.

That’s some pretty fancy way of tying your shoes there, Gus. Pret-ty fancy

the strait of hormuz: fire walk with me

hear me out: cheesesteak pilates

ME: my dog's bart is worse than his bike FREIND: don't you mean-- DOG: [riding bicycle] cowabunga dude ME: don't i mean what

[abruptly stops playing porn bass] Not guilty, your Honor

One thing my neighbor and I almost always agree on is whether or not it’s gonna be a hot one today

It’s a tale as old as time: expectations vs. reality, godzilla vs. mothra

Opinions are like hiccup cures. Everyone swears by theirs but only mine is right.

wearing this to the 4th of july bbq

It was me. I put algae in the reflecting pool. I also put the hat on Melania. I put sugar in the gas tank of the plane from Qatar and I also shit in his pants to frame him

Beck: I’m a loser, baby So why don’t you kill me Me: Dude. Have you ever seen someone about improving your self esteem?

I bet Sir Topham Hatt can fuck.

🚫bra 🚫panties ✅hanes cushioned crew socks

you kids today—when I was your age, I had to shit without a phone

being inside a 2000 degeee fahrenheit kiln would fix me

This day in history. 1999. At Lord's Australia won its second Cricket World Cup, beating Pakistan by 8 wickets. By jingo that's a lot or maybe it isn't I don't know. Third umpire Srinivasaraghavan Venkataraghavan made an absolute howler but nobody knew because cricket writers are bisyllabic at best.

me: I got you this storage unit her: no not that kind of space

If you’re shocked that he’s claiming victory in the face of defeat… Just remember, he claimed all his bankruptcies as victories.

i have never lived more than two hours from the ocean and that's as far as im willing to go tbh

me: i've never been described as malnourished dunkin clerk: sir, we're all out of boston cream

iced coffee short shorts cropped top no bra no panties sun is shining

they might’ve lost the match against morocco but as far as boston is concerned scotland definitely still wins the world cup

that kid was profiled for wearing JNCOs

girl r u the reflecting pool algae cause you're growing on me

everyone’s always putting a lyric in their pop song telling the dj to turn it up. nobody ever says “dj put it back to normal now.” i do love the idea of a dj being surprised the artist always asks them to turn it up though. “man i can never get it loud enough for rihanna. maybe next time”

i think more than i should about how this administration smells

wonder if she still dumps like a truck

I disabled an English major with the compact edition of the Oxford English Dictionary once

some people think a plunging neckline is sexy but i prefer a backless dress so i can show off my bones

If you have me on notifications we're in a relationship you just have to warn me.

There is nothing in the world as silent as Elon Musk's phone on Father's Day.

Sprinkling a nice, light vinaigrette over the U.S. Constitution before I eat it

I took a lot of blood thinners but it didn’t make me skinnier.

Starbucks: we're the largest, most popular coffee chain in America Me: cool, that means you make good coffee, right? Starbucks: lol. lmao

my husband still hasn't seen backrooms so we are going to watch it tomorrow. i am pretty sure the last time i saw a movie in theatres more than twice was the first pirates of the caribbean in 2003 lol

If you live in one place long enough you’ll eventually hear about the guy downtown who sells lobsters out of his garage on the q.t.

MFer said Reflecting Poll.

ANTIFA stands for A Nice Trick, Implant Fucking Algae

There's a new plan

hi! i'm imitation johnny knoxville, welcome to backrooms

hot soft older brother

You love to see Côte d'Ivoire dominating Deutschland

A Tesla can serve briefly as a pool floatie.

What do you mean "you can't order a kid off of the kid's menu"?

happiness is directly proportional to how much money you pretend to have everyone knows this

“a thing of beauty is a joy forever” i think, while admiring an egg mcmuffin

The White House is tainted and gross now. Well it always was but now it really is

Thought of you. Picked you up some Dude wipes at Walmart.

That Reflecting Pool isn't going to de-algae itself.

Watching another season of the Dallas Cowboys' Cheerleader docuseries and choosing never to ask myself who they voted for

Don't the National Guard in DC have more important things to do, like mulching?

im gonna start calling my boyfriend big bro instead this is getting too weird

Did they arrest biology?

You're not allowed to reach into the Reflecting Pool because that's where they're hiding the unreleased Epstein files.

concert tickets are so expensive that I can only afford to see Tegan or Sara