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Who called it learning subtraction instead of teaching us a lessen?

I was recording a solo for another musician’s album. I nailed it on the first take and started packing up. The producer asked if we should record another just in case. “Less is more” I replied. Everyone nodded as if I had said something wise. I was getting paid the same either way.

Wondering what happened to the milk of human kindness? “FDA Pauses Milk Quality Testing Program”

Her: You treat our relationship like it’s some kind of game. Me: Nope. Games are fun.

I daydreamed about donuts and my eyes glazed over.

You’re like a single shoe abandoned in a parking lot. You must have a story but I don’t think I want to know what it is.

Should I be worried that these IKEA instructions say “Front Toward Enemy”?

“Business in the front, party in the back” describes both my luxuriant mullet AND my money-laundering operation.

The Police’s 𝘙𝘰𝘹𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘦 is my favorite song about a dad admonishing his daughter not to waste energy by carelessly turning on red lights.

The NPR reporter said “𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 territory” instead of “𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥 territory” and now I want to return my tote bag and get my donation back.

Ignorance of the law is no excuse. In fact, some see it as an opportunity.

Stop mumbling. You sound like REM’s first 5 albums.

“Let’s agree to disagree.” TRANSLATION: Let’s agree that you’re a moron for disagreeing with me.

Customer: “Why are you putting the meat on the outside of my sub?” Salvador Dalí, sandwich artist: “Wait until you see where I put the melted cheese slices.”

Who called it night instead of goth daytime?

I’ve been in fight-or-flight mode for so long I need a third option. Like “Fight, flight or fetal position.”

Autocorrect changed “subtleties” to “subtitles” and now my snide comments made in a foreign language are exposed to the whole world.

Sunny spring day at the zoo.

“In my spare time I study fluid mechanics.” TRANSLATION: When I’m not at work you can find me at the bar.

“You’re so hot, the laws of thermodynamics seem wholly inapplicable to you.” - physics pickup lines

You can’t capture my attention, it’s free-range attention.

Her: You secretly believe that your own tastes in art, film, food and music are superior to everyone else’s. Me: Secretly? No.

Papal candidates are raising dark money (from satan)

“Can you keep a secret?” asked the person about to stop keeping a secret.

The vape smoke in my car was so thick, the cop that pulled me over named me pope when I rolled down my window.