My Bangers & etc.

A Hellboy sequel where he finally grows up to be Hellman so he can take over the family mayonnaise business

ANCIENT ALIEN SPACESHIP: Your password must contain at least one fish and one bird PHARAOH: Dammit

Careful, that's a load-bearing delusion

DEAREST EMILY STOP AM SENDING LITHOGRAPH OF GENITALS BY PONY EXPRESS STOP SHOULD ARRIVE TEN DAYS STOP

Shamrocks for my real friends, real rocks for my sham friends

When I was your age, we had to turn a crank to start the internet

The game Operation must have been way easier before electricity. Nothing happens if you touch the sides, you just flip a coin at the end to see if the guy dies from like tuberculosis or wolves or something.

Hey girl are you Florida because at first you were super attractive and I wanted to be inside you but now I can see that you're batshit crazy and I'm afraid for my life

I saw that Monopoly now has expansion packs that make the game SHORTER and let you do stuff like BUY THE JAIL and I mean come on...this game was already a metaphor but now it just feels like Hasbro is laughing at us.

OK, it's been like 40 years since they built that city on rock n' roll and I have to admit it's held up a lot better than I expected.

Have you ever been talking to a dog and it suddenly hits you that we talk to dogs exactly like how Han Solo talks to Chewbacca? 🐶: (Noises) 😀: Yes, but not yet 🐶: (Noises) 😀: I know, I know

If you give a dog a cookie, he'll just want another cookie. None of that incremental bullshit you get with a mouse.

Scientist: This is the biggest penguin. We'll call it the King Penguin. King Penguin: YES eat it losers Scientist: We found a bigger one. We'll call it the Emperor Penguin. King Penguin: Son of a

Is there a word for the specific feeling when someone follows you and they seem a little sketchy but you think "ehh...benefit of the doubt" and follow them back and they immediately send you a DM to join their pyramid scheme or whatever and you're like "I knew it"

Bluesky is the guy who the girl ends up with. Twitter is the douche she starts out the movie engaged to.

I feel like we were promised a cooler-looking dystopia.

You guys the thrift store had this cursed mechanical songbird that belonged to a series of murdered aristocrats and everyone who touches it ends up dead or insane and it was A DOLLAR YOU GUYS

In Colonial America, they didn't know about rubber yet so you had to take a bath with just a regular duck

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

The Plumber: Jason Statham is a plumber and former CIA assassin The Pharmacist: Jason Statham is a pharmacist and ex-mob hitman in witness protection The Greeter: Jason Statham is a Wal-Mart greeter who is a Russian sleeper agent The Banana: Jason Statham is a banana and retired martial arts master