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- 📅 Updated 8 months ago
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Executive Order: Popcorn buckets are now known as beavage. A suitable alternative is beave cleave.
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Busy drafting an executive order to ban transmissions in motor vehicles
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Executive Order: @nicholehiltz.bsky.social is always in jail. @luckyshitt.bsky.social is to enforce this directive. Failure will not be tolerated.
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The benevolent dictator is a man of the people
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Executive Order: Cats don't think they can open drawers anymore
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Executive Order: Every time a toilet flushes it makes that gurgly sound that makes you wonder if you clogged it
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Executive Order: Menswear is now measured in absolute numbers. Womens clothing is now measured dimensionally.
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Executive Order: All social media platforms are to immediately and unquestioningly share their algorithms with me, the benevolent dictator.
All intellectual property rights are now null and void.
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Executive Order: Pocket lint is also valid currency. Dryer lint is negative currency. You are now all in debt.
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Executive Order: Smother me in ranch, my nipples are dry and itchy
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Executive Order: Jokes are only legal when I'm doing an insider trading. I need you peasants distracted.
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Apologies for all of my executive orders early this morning. Fixing this country takes dedication. It takes commitment. But most of all, it takes a bewildering absence of self-awareness and thought.
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Executive Order: No quote posting lukelukeluke's mushrooms with politicians comparing them. I'm a benevolent dictator.
lukelukeluke@lukelukeluke.bsky.social
If you quote post my mushrooms with a pic of a politician comparing them I will detach the quote, that’s not fair to the mushrooms
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Executive Order: Everyone has MS teams on their mobile. I will only call after 8pm and before 4am EST.
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Executive Order: Medieval trumpeters will herald my entrance into every room. Doot doot.
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Executive Order: Change my nappy. I've been so busy writing executive orders I've shat myself again.
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Executive Order: Every motor vehicle has the whistles that go whoo whoo. They should be up making breakfast or something.
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Executive Order: Fuzzy dice on the mirror are now mandatory. You can only purchase them at a Walmart in Pascagoula, MS.
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Executive Order: We fixed the shower heads but now the kitchen sink pressure sucks and you can't wash dishes
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Executive Order: Steering wheels in the back seat so I can pretend I'm driving. Beep beep.
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