Think's Thunked

I’m so confused I just keyed my own Tesla.

I need to stop wasting my life staring at my phone, is there an app that can help me do that?

After two years of fighting, my brother’s heart couldn’t take any more, and early this morning, it stopped him from having to go through more pain. I know a couple more months of this it would only get worse. At least that’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Cause my heart really hurts today.

Ok, this time you have to admit that Trump is making no cents.

I long for meaningful conversations, but also avoid putting any effort into befriending the type of people who might carry on such things, and so instead, I just talk to me.

I would wish you the best, but wishes have recently gone up five cents.

Existential bread is why I avoid carbs.

I don’t drive a Tesla, but I park like I do.

I am the bottle inside are my words I stand on a beach if I give in to the tides pull in my desire to be heard and let go fears that run deep if I cast myself into the sea will I float? or will I sink? I am the bottle my words are now yours you stand on a beach the answer is no longer up to me

Imagine if Lassie dug a deep hole, called it a well, then barked until Timmy came over to look down the hole, then shoved him in it, then went to fetch people to come save him, pushed them in too, and kept doing it until Lassie could safely stand on the well to take credit for fixing an “emergency.”

Taller than your average reply guy.

Choosing safe vacation destinations only makes sense if you want to come home, I said, while booking a one way ticket for a Libyan wine tasting tour.

My dogs best trick is knowing the words to all the Mariah Carey song lyrics that humans can't hear.

Wait. White Afrikaners are a persecuted race now? Is everything I leaned in Lethal Weapon a lie?

I have street crud, does that count?

Jesus take the wheel, because this piggyback ride across the sand thing is taking entirely too long, bra.

Too bad Malaysia didn’t gift him a plane.

I have two wolves inside me, but only one is so hungry for attention he keeps making us post these “two wolf” themed skeets. The other wolf is just hungry for Doritos.

The street I gave up for adoption reached out to connect with me, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to go down that road.

The most important thing my mom has given me, is the sense of guilt I feel when I waste expensive paper towels by using them in lieu of napkins.

My mothers maiden name is password.

wading through a fountain of spent wishes

I always think of the correct thing to say long after I should have said it, and then repeat it, over and over in my head, hoping someone will ask me that same question again.

Once again, I never win in my fantasy pope league.

Breaking: Five stoners, locked in their dorm room, mistakenly choose new pope while attempting to order pizza.