Best of?

Aragorn: "You have my sword!" Legolas: "And you have my bow!" Gimli: "And my ax!" Sauron: “Ummm, am I supposed to be in this group text?”

Chihuahuas are essentially miniature inbred wolves, so why don’t we try inbreeding lions until we get tiny little lions, and, oh wait, cats is what that is, isn’t it? Never mind.

I’d rather fund mosquito nets for children’s beds, than for a rocket ship that blows up. I’d rather feed a starving mom in the land of Chad, than help a fat man buy a bigger yacht. I’d rather feel alone and scared, of the terrible things that may lie ahead, than follow cruel men who have no heart.

Multiple sarcasms will have to do.

Best way to get your news nowadays, is filtered through funny people.

Superglue’s true strength lies in its ability to permanently glue the top of the bottle in place after just one use.

I wait patiently in the forest, for the trees to gather round. I ask them silent questions, they reply without a sound.

There was a tree. So I stopped.

We grow into the shape of the cage others create and think it our home.

The clock on my microwave is about to be incorrect for the next three to four months.

When life hands me lemons, I'm like, "Dude, are you even reading the list? We need fabric softener, toothpaste, and toilet paper!"

All those souvenirs of you, so carefully arranged upon the shelves inside my mind.

Successfully outran the basement demons up the stairs once again.

I know my window here is short, but I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to covet thy neighbors goods and wife for quite a while.

Stabbed multiple times with kindness, but I guess it’s the thought that counts.

Babies fit into corners really well, though.

Looking for good in a world of bad, and hoping I don’t find something worse.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Science Denier: I am skeptical about this whole “gravity” thing. Scientists: (Pointing at cliff) Please be skeptical over there.

The best part of the bible is when the vampires show up to save Jesus, but get there and are all like, "OH NO!! Why did they have to hang him on a CROSS?!!"

Aragorn: "You have my sword!" Legolas: "And you have my bow!" Gimli: "And my ax!" Chuck Schumer: *pull out slip of paper "Guys, Don't worry, I overnighted the ring directly to Sauron this morning. Here's the tracking number. It's all been taken care of.

I am the author of my own density, I mumbled with my mouth full of pizza.

It is the kindness that turns me on.

Historically speaking, Jesus was probably the most beloved of all the zombies.