S-J's Skeetchive

“You were never punk” [my inner voice whispers as I craft an “I’m still punk” skeet]

Just found a leaf under the covers in my bed, and that should tell you everything you need to know about my mental health

You'll know you've had enough coffee when the sweat begins to drip.

If he's not hovering behind me with a hunched back while caressing my shoulder like this, I'm not interested.

You're not imagining that urine smell [raises eyebrows many times]

There's something for everyone here on the internet! @magicaltrash.com

Today, as you peruse the Winter farmers market or craft market, don't forget to crawl on all fours as a sign of respect to each vendor. Many people sweep this tradition under the rug, but you are a fool if you think you can simply walk out of a booth without paying your respects. #shopsmall

A guy who I specifically remember being an absolute douchebag to me irl wished me a happy birthday on Facebook. He even added emphatic emojis at the end. What a magical place.

It might be time for you to accept the fact that you're not good at making omelets. When you turn the burnt bottom omelet into a scramble, it THEN looks like you can't even scramble eggs! Maybe it's time to give up this omelet fantasy. Just keep scrambling. Just keep scrambling. [Dory voice]

You are on the tennis court shirtless and buff. I am overweight and swinging on the children's swing set. We are not the same.

Sometimes my stomach rumbles, and it is the same rumble I heard from the stomach of another. We are but vessels for our rumbling stomachs which are like fingerprints, each rumble unique yet rumbling for the same thing. I rumble. We rumble. Let us rumble. Now bow your heads.

Some recent road rage insults: flaccid pig schlepping fool catastrophic manipulator absolute farce squirrel brained sickness shriveled monster (Feel free to use on your enemies)

At the DMV, that Gotye song comes on. The gangly disheveled man in the corner slowly stands and begins to bounce his knees. The woman holding the crying baby starts to alternately kick her legs in time with the music like fitness personality Billy Blanks, with a wild look in her eyes. 1/2

You're on her couch. I'm outside her window. We are not the same.

No one: Medium-hot person preparing their social media bio: "I am married, do not DM me. DMs 🚫 CLOSED 🚫. Do not approach. I AM TAKEN. I AM IN LOVE. I AM HAPPILY IN RELATIONSHIP. NO THANK YOU, PLEASE LEAVE ME BE. PLEASE IT IS TOO MUCH !

Moshpit at the symphony. Everyone stands and sways. No suits in sight. Instead of the pledge of allegiance, an anarchist flag is waved, and we dance to the beat of our own drums.

If he's not a fruit detective, I'm not interested.

Imagine hating me and I'm just sitting in my room staring at myself in the mirror listening to this open.spotify.com/track/1U….

If you're looking to jazz up an argument, just call the other person "baby girl" or "baby boy"