Greatest

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok” - the original two-step verification

I will peel a carrot or I will wash a carrot but no way am I doing both. Pastor: These are very unusual vows.

[toothfairy dumping a bucket of teeth into Coinstar machine]

This is the part in the movie of my life where I cut and dye my hair in a gas station sink.

Forget “who is your best friend” security questions. Tell me about your nemesis.

My Gen-X dentist has satellite radio playing softly in the office and when down with the sickness came on the hygienist did the oh, ah, ah, ah, ah part under her breath.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

[company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

[pretends to write down confirmation number]

I call broccoli “tasty fractals” HIBACHI CHEF: I heard you the 1st time.

🍿Fun Film Fact🍿 Digital artists spent over 1,000 hours removing Godzilla and King Kong’s genitalia for American audiences.

Biting into a plant-based burger while maintaining full eye contact with my ficus.

10 y/o me [reading Peanuts comic]: Man I can’t get enough of these WWI references.

Reminder: you don’t have to deep fry a turkey to burn down your brother-in-law’s garage.

Gummy Bears are just Jello jerky.

What’s a dangerous activity you and your friends enjoyed as kids?

[holiday shopping for 8-legged yoga pants at Cthulhululemon]

People will post ‘I was today years old’ and then show you a can opener.

The opposite of JK Simmons is Simmons AF.

A second turtle dove has hit the pear tree.

[Santa dislocating both shoulders to slither down your chimney]