My Favorites

[travels back in time] [accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

This is the part in the movie of my life where I cut and dye my hair in a gas station sink.

🍿Fun Film Fact🍿 Digital artists spent over 1,000 hours removing Godzilla and King Kong’s genitalia for American audiences.

I call broccoli “tasty fractals” HIBACHI CHEF: I heard you the 1st time.

*007’s MI6 Application Form* __________, ____________________ [Last Name] [First Name, Last Name]

[toothfairy dumping a bucket of teeth into Coinstar machine]

Bunch of us old dudes in the office synced up our hearing aids to achieve echolocation.

[company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Would a Xenomorph wear a mask Like or Like This This

crossword puzzles were invented when an 18th century typesetter spilled the evening news on a waffle

If you listen to Cat’s in the Cradle while watching Field of Dreams you become your own Dad.

For Sale: baby Heelys, worn once.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.