The Hits

It is either perfect timing or terrible timing. Either way, our new Noisy Piggy slot machine has just arrived on the casino floor.

If you get robbed in our parking garage don’t blame us. You should have left with less money

Ted Cruz, should we cancel your room for tonight?

The staff member who spray-painted “KILL THE RICH” on the bathroom wall has been promoted.

Again, we apologize to the river witch for accidentally using her cauldron for the Sunday brunch lobster bisque. Please turn our chef back into a human.

This is how we find out Dean Cain isn't showing up for his shift at our frozen yogurt stand????

If you're a TV reporter covering a shooting or stabbing at the Pine View Motel across the street, we'll throw you $50 to stand so our sign is in the shot.

Starting this spring, we'll be offering pickleball. Not to bet on, just to play. Not everything at a casino has to be about gambling.

We’re offering a free night’s stay to the first guest who can figure out where the endless shrimp keep coming from. Please make it stop.

Say the password “brainworm” to purchase Tylenol at our gift shop.

Now that you've canceled your Disney+ subscription, you have some extra gambling money.

Call your senators today. Tell them, "I love gambling." Then make some smooching noises. Then meow a couple times. Who knows what'll work with those clowns.

Remember: If you summon the old gods of wrath and decay to avenge your gambling debts, you’re also responsible for the cleaning crew’s overtime pay.

Due to listeria and general disgust concerns, the Bobbing for Dentures event has been postponed.

The reason criminals use casinos to launder money is because it’s super easy.

We're hiring! Well, we're not hiring you, since you're probably seeing this post while goofing off at your current job.

If you get run over by an irate customer in the parking lot and want to call our main desk for medical assistance, please listen closely as our menu options have changed.

We don't care if you're dressed as Nancy Mace for Halloween, screaming at our dealers will not get you a free buffet.

Nobody ever talks about the Cybertrucks that don’t explode in our parking lot.

While you’re gambling don’t leave your kids in a hot car. Leave ‘em with us and we’ll put them to work in the steam tunnels.

There's no such thing as bad press, which is why we thank the Church Of Satan for their glowing review in the latest issue of Modern Devourer Magazine.

Welcome to your STAYcation! No, seriously, please STAY in your rooms until further notice everyone. Hank from Environmental Services lost his Harley to a romance scammer and he thinks she’s staying at the hotel.

Because Americans are no longer welcome anywhere in the world, book your next vacation at River Side Casino.

Hulk Hogan's scheduled book signing for next weekend will go ahead as planned.