my best stuff

interviewer: how are your listening skills? me: absolutely

[restaurant] waiter: would you like water? me: yes please waiter: still? me: I literally just said yes

sure, everybody hates snake oil — until their snake starts squeaking

interviewer: give me an example of a time when you took control of a situation me: no, YOU give ME an example interviewer: lol okay, that was pretty impressive me: I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go interviewer: *being led away by security* what is happening right now

me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards? librarian: stop talking

interviewer: can I get your references? me: *sighing* probably not; nobody else does

me: you can’t fire me, I’m a whistleblower HR: first of all, that’s a kazoo

boss: are you planning to work today? me: I already did boss: no, you have to do it all day me: what

looks like this year’s darwin awards will be going to pretty much everybody

me: hi I’m here for the missionary position? pastor: we don’t call it that

interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness? me: oh they’re all pretty great

interviewer: it says here you’re not afraid to challenge authority me: no it doesn’t

teacher: what does “agnostic” mean? me: I don’t know teacher: correct! how about “ambivalent”? me: *shrug* teacher: yes! how about “nihilistic”? me: what difference does any of this make? teacher: amazing

my beautiful bride says I spend too much time on social media. oh great and now the priest is agreeing with her

2004: google answers your question 2014: google offers to sell you something that will answer your question 2024: google makes up an answer to your question 2034: google tells you your question is impermissible and summarily executes you

[date] her: I’m a librarian me: lol astrology isn’t real

detective: where were you on the night of— me: in bed detective: I didn’t say which night me: doesn’t matter detective: I didn’t say what time me: *looking him square in the eye* it doesn’t matter

[first therapy session] me: *sobbing* I don’t think I can do this patient: it’ll be okay

me: when you were partying, I studied the blade customer: okay yeah can you slice that a little thinner

[january 1, 0001] joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar? mary: um, no idea