My Favstar

to catch a bus you must think like a bus

I showed my bluesky account to my psychiatrist and she said I could pick whatever medication I want

Do you worry that your Cybertruck doesn’t look stupid enough? We’ve got just the product for you!

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat all those spiders while I'm awake

I heard a cybertruck referred to as an incel-camino and I'm never not calling it that again

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don't even know how to describe how easy this is

Hey nerd, the 1820s called. I don't know how

You can stop making these now. We all have one

at least we won’t be complaining about first world problems much longer

Cashier: did you find everything you were looking for? Bono: *looking off into the distance*

C'mon man, the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it

My dog knows more English words than I know dog words

The 26.2 sticker on the back of my car is for how many chicken wings I can eat in a minute

I accidentally said I love you at the end of a call with my mechanic, so I'm just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Baker: but it's already cooked, sir Inventor of toast: cook it.....AGAIN

First person to take candy from a baby: I have no way to describe how easy that was

that officer did NOT care how many bluesky followers I have

I just found out that the cheese my wife has been feeding me every morning has Centrum Silver multivitamins hidden inside

Sorry I'm late, I was trying to get out of this entirely

*Jesus' wife throwing a picture down on the kitchen table and asking whose footprints those are*

I hope my wife buys me a $60,000 car without me knowing about it for Christmas

DEATH ROW HACK: For your last meal, request Olive Garden breadsticks

I put my pants on just like everyone else: crying