The best of my worst

*inviting my date back to my place* "I have two dozen eggs."

Be the internal server error you wish to see in the world

I didn't think the Beatles were as groundbreaking as people said, but the lyric, "I heard the news today, oh boy," really hits nowadays

You guys. I don't think anyone's coming to save us.

Judging by how many times I've ALMOST eaten a sticker on an apple, I've DEFINITELY eaten a sticker on an apple

Nothing says, "English degree I'm not using," more than a semicolon.

What a time to barely be alive

"Choosy moms choose Jif," so when I go home with someone's mom, I always check her cabinets for Jif, and it's never, ever there.

No more posts until you finish the ones I gave you.

Wanna put my tender Heart in a blender Also the rest of me Everything in the blender

Wouldst thou like to live dissociatively?

Get in line, Breaking News. Everything's breaking. You're not special.

When a women tells me her name, I always follow up with, "Oh, like the cheese?" no matter what her name is.

Aren't you sick of pretending you're human and not the universe experiencing itself?

Please. My thirst. It's trapped.

ME: I'd like to take up cliff diving HER: Are there any places around here where the water is deep enough? ME: Water?

Okay but we probably did start the fire

CEO stands for Chief Executive Oh no that hot guy is gonna shoot me

Who needs a weighted blanket when there's the crushing weight of existence

Buying from local vendors today (dealers) to make sure I have enough supplies (drugs) for the apocalypse (apocalypse)