bangerz

Me, when I get more than 10 reposts and 25 likes on Bluesky

My signature move is apologizing for making it weird when it wasn’t even weird, thus making it weird

Adulthood is telling yourself you’ll feel better after you clean the house every day until you die.

Real Housewives of Waffle House

*keys “I’m not mad” into your car*

Being an adult means promising yourself you’ll get on a better sleep schedule every day until you die

He asked for a quickie and I said “as opposed to what,” so now we’re fighting I guess.

Bird puns? Owl allow them.

You can’t tell me to make ‘myself at home’ and then get weirded out if I take off my pants and cry in the kitchen. That’s not how that works.

Due to inflation, we will no longer be able to walk on eggshells. Sorry for the inconvenience.

You should’ve seen me 3 rock bottoms ago.

My favorite plant of 10 years died, so I buried it in the backyard out of respect. Now it’s back. I was not emotionally prepared for any of this.

Welcome to December. The world is still a dumpster fire but, like, a festive one.

Me: I’m telling you, I’ve never seen this movie Him: yes you did. We saw it last summer at the theater Me: *eyes go black, horns pop out of my head, speaking in a disembodied voice* MUST HAVE BEEN YOUR OTHER GIRLFRIEND

Let’s get drunk and pretend it’s the holidays causing stress and not the slow descent into madness

*opens Bluesky* *sees people are still falling in love and/or finding joy in life* *closes Bluesky*

Your honor, he sent me the exact same meme I already sent him a couple days prior

I use both haha and lol because I’m bitextual

No one ever told me I’d spend so much time as an adult stressing over garbage day landing on a holiday