LorazeKim best bangerz

Them: what do you say when I tell you that you are offensive Me: life’s tough, get a helmet

Hey boo I made you some delicious shut the fucupakes…

Some dude was in line behind us at Costco, he had case of cigarettes, a giant box of condoms, and one rotisserie chicken. I asked him if he has big plans for the night and he never answered

Wouldn’t mansplaining be referred to as ‘directile dysfunction’ ?

Man: why do so many murderers bury their victims in the back yard Me: hey… not everyone has trunk space or gas money to go out to the middle of nowhere and dump. Check your privilege. We’re all trying to do our best out here

Therapist: the Renaissance Horses are NOT talking behind your back at the museum The Renaissance Horses:

Currently helping my husband find the cookies he hid that I found

My kid: why does grandma have plastic on her furniture Me: to keep the evil fresh

I could kill with kindness but crushing your ego with sarcasm is more my style

I really like the new tile in your shower. No no no babe. No need to call 911…. shhhh…Just get in the bag..

My kid: I can talk crow Me: crow?? Kid: yeah… F-CAW-F Me: *sniffs* so proud

If it isn’t wet, messy and dirty is it even good bro

I knew I was cut different when I fed a mouth that bit me more than once

Therapist: and what do we do when we feel wronged? Me: fill a jar with cemetery dirt, nail and hair clippings, blood from a dove and scream at it under a full moon for two weeks? Therapist: NO