best ones

When I see Macaulay Culkin now in a commercial, I think one thing: I’m so glad that guy survived to adulthood

My “you’re over 30” advice is hold onto the bannister. Stairs will kill you and not even look back

GALADRIEL: (glowing green) In place of a hard roll, I would have whole wheat—beautiful and terrible to behold! DELI GUY: #3 on wheat. G: (coyly) You offer it to me freely. DG: No, Galadriel. You have to pay. Every day with this

Gimme Magritte, boys, and free my soul / Ceci n’est pas une rock ‘n’ roll / Green apple face

Someone handed this to my grandpa in an Inwood bar, c. 1946

Hey cool oldies station, here’s a tip: don’t play hello darkness my old friend on Christmas

When I opened my laptop, the screen was flipped upside down. A cat once did this so I knew vaguely how to fix it, but the advice I found online didn’t work so I contacted our tech guy. He said I’m the fourth person since Monday this has happened to, after the latest Windows 11 update. Good update

When I went to the neighbor’s to get the key to cat-sit, the cat came right over and said hello and rubbed my leg. My neighbor was like, “Wow, she likes you! She doesn’t get up for anybody.” There is no greater compliment than a cat’s liking. They know they don’t have to act nice nor give a care

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

What

Careful please, that’s a load-bearing delusion

This is my post-baby body (I used to be a baby)

He’s shooting his friend in the face in the sky now

At the time, Jingle Bell Rock really did rock. It was like Pantera today

Sauntering through a medical conference and eating an apple, flipping everybody off. They’re so mad. They know they can’t touch me

A cool thing about getting older is you hear from your skeleton a lot more

A major part of having dogs is asking why is that wet

In my greatest hour of need, where were you

Ooh can’t right now, boss. I’m goofing around with my vibrant online community

Dreamed a new McDonald’s breakfast sandwich with 1 lb. of egg whites called “The Wet One”