Frittatas

Jesus: No one can predict the date of my return. An apostle: Is it September 23, 2025? Jesus: Damnit.

Me, sliding up next to you in the cantina on Tatooine: You know, technically it's not even a star. Really it should be called the Death Hypermatter Reactor.

[missed connection] You were at the shoe store trying on strappy black high heels. I was kneeling on a pair of shoes making it look like I had short stumpy legs yelling "Look at me! I'm Dorf!" before security tackled me into the clearance rack.

At least in A Tale of Two Cities there were some best of times.

My dream is to one day have my high school renamed after me (right after I change my name to Bigg Harry Buttz).

This couture is a little too juicy for me. I prefer a drier couture.

Me, bumping into everyone at Aldi as I push 4 carts around: Sorry. I only had a dollar.

Doing my part by planting SSRIs next to weeping willows.

Schrödinger's President

If it really does happen, I look forward to all of the Return of the Jedi celebration gifs.

The fact that the never ending pasta bowl is back at Olive Garden means that it ended at some point.

They say romance is dead. So, baby, let's take these two shovels, head out to the desert, and dig it up.

Showing off my knuckle tats K I R K S I G N L A N D A T U R

I don't have anything to say but I have unlimited data so I might as well take advantage.

National Dog Day is just a day invented by good boys to get more treats.

[puts a meeting on everyone's calendar called "Why Don't You Like Me?" scheduled for 4pm on Friday]

coming up next on your oldies station...Hey Ya! by OutKast

*fills his pockets with rocks and wades into the break room coffee pot*

I pronounce GPS like jeepies.

Me: But officer, if you bring a date to the movies you should be able to impress her by naming every movie you recognize every actor from. Cop: She's the one pressing charges.

*frantically extricating himself from the time machine* Quick! Where's the closest Montgomery Ward?!

Me: Oh how I long for death's sweet release! Also me: *takes fish oil supplement*

I miss you! [the aim of my blow dart gun wildly off]

It's not moldy, baby. I'm just inventing new kinds of cheeses and/or antibiotics.