The Jim

These "Australians" almost have me believing the place is real.

I'm just trying to make my stuff unrelatable.

My daughter told me the grilled cheese was too “grilly“. She has a law degree. And one in linguistics.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

I got your reply and I'm going to need less information.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

There's no high like a falutin high.

Let's agree to disappoint.

I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

For every action there is an equal and opposite nap.

Have the cardinals chosen a new decoy yet?

“You’re making a horrible mistake.“ "Not by my standards."

I'm at my best when I'm a vague memory.

"Are you going to apologize for what you said?" "I'm sorry I feel that way."

Your setup was longer than my attention span.

It's Ask an Atheist Day. Any questions?

[breathing] "I could do this all day.”

The most important thing to teach guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

The vet says that my goat Billy experiences frequent victories in golf ball eating events.

The vet says that my goat Billy is also a stable genius.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of squirrels.

Once you've given up drumming it's hard to get back into it because of the repercussions.