fried gold

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my sense of humour suggests I'm 12, whilst my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

If a movie sequel is subtitled ‘The Final Chapter’ there are 3 things of which you can be certain: 1. It will not be a good movie 2. The producers know that the series should have ended 2 movies ago 3. It will in fact turn out not to be the final chapter, anyway

[Scrolling through Netflix] No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No… *2 hours later* ...No

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her birthday and I have to say I’m 50% proud, 30% amused, and 100% terrified.

*buys a 3D printer* *prints a 3D printer* *returns 3D printer for a refund*

What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

Imagine how scary it would be if birds really did appear every time you are near.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

According to my wife of 30 years, the secret to such a long and happy union is low expectations, apparently.

Iggy Pop’s full name is Ignatius Lollipop.

Truth be told I sometimes use big words I don't fully understand just to make me sound cleverer and more ambidextrous.

Why is a baby alpaca called a cria and not an alpacino? And other questions that keep me awake at night.

This whisky tastes a lot like I won’t be going to work tomorrow.

Alexa, I want to know what love is, I want you to show me.

You’re never too old to chase your dreams. There will come a time when you can no longer catch them, though.

The biggest problem with Teslas is that you can’t put sugar in the gas tank.

My daughter just mansplained soil erosion to me and I couldn’t be more proud of her than I am right now.

All these years and my wife still won't go out without getting a babysitter in, no matter how many times I assure her that I can look after myself now.

If camping has taught me anything it’s that there’s no elegant way to get off of an airbed.

Alexa, take me down to the Paradise City.

I lost my wife today and I must say it feels so liberating. She’ll find me eventually though, the security guard says I’m not allowed to hide in this IKEA forever.