nonsense

me right now, (except for everything being fine). i think it's time for a little break. i'll catch up with you cool cats soon 🫠🫶

i fell for her from the 69th floor it was nice heights until i hit sidewalk bottom

new dance move: phone in one hand, paper bag held up to my mouth in the other.

okay so essentially there just needs to be general strike

some of you have never bailar la bamba and it shows

cardio is all about how stubborn you are

my thumb typed this skeet. your thumb liked this skeet. by the commutative property of multiplication, our thumbs have touched. thumb intimacy is the most potent of intimacies.

hakuna piñata

RIP Sundance Kid

friend: how the tables have turned me, flagging a server: excuse me this isn't what i ordered

flirtatiously fluttering my eyelashes at the dentist while she ruthlessly scraps the tartar from my teeth with a miniature murder weapon

the masochism aisle at CVS

more like Charlie Jerk amirite lol wait what do you mean i need to pack up my cubicle

i have a problem with instant gratification and i'm finding that being movie star handsome, extremely wealthy, and immortal is taking far too long.

300 million people were killed by laughing at my skeets last year

The Flaming Lips have a very easy time lighting their cigarettes but a very difficult time smoking them.

liability would be a fitting name for a baby boy

be the reason the townspeople brusquely shutter their windows as you ride into the village

fun fact: the rough draft of van gogh's 'starry night' was macaroni art

i'm a feral caffevore. i crouch in the corner of the room holding my coffee with both hands right under my mouth and hissing at anyone who comes within 8 ft of me.

my kink is potato chips. just before i finish off a bag, i tip it and it gives me a facial. that's how i prefer to get Lay'd.

"i wish the real world would just stop hassling me" would've made such a good shitpost. rob thomas missed a big opportunity with that one.