B's Greatest Hits

i used to get blackout drunk 5-7 days/nights a week i’ve been sober from alcohol for one year today

Yeah, you could say I’m *living the American dream* *crying in the car on my lunch break*

by the time you realize my worth i’ll be burning frozen pizzas for someone else

former gifted child turned internet idiot logging on

church: you should be more like jesus me: *gets nailed by some dudes* church: no, no … not like that

reverse cowgirl because i’m eating a bowl of cap’n crunch

do you ever feel weird about every single thing you’ve ever said and done or is it just me?

sorry i’m like this a wizard put a curse on me

all i wanna do is eat everything all the time, never exercise, and be in great shape is that too much to ask

𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 body is a temple, 𝓶𝔂 body is an abandoned amusement park

Kid Rock is what happens when an old mustard stain on a dingy wifebeater becomes sentient.

heading into work because i woke up with generational trauma instead of generational wealth again

me: do you take walk-ins? employee: ma’am this is a crematorium

my plan for the next five years is to maybe live through them

no, no…𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 body is a temple, 𝓶𝔂 body is a gas station bathroom

if you think i’m annoying now, just wait until i learn to whistle

i was gonna post nudes, but it seems like everyone is already going through enough right now

Please don’t attempt to humanize me; I am much better as a concept

Got so high I understood what Eddie Vedder was saying

if you ever see me trying to parallel park just remember it costs nothing to mind your own business