Greatest shits

I’m tired of people expecting me to do something just because I know how to do it and they’re paying me

What I say: I’m wearing nothing but panties What I mean: I’m wearing every kind of panties you can imagine all at once. Panties of all types hanging off of my arms, around my legs, layered over my head; the eldritch abomination that Victoria has been trying to keep secret for so long, free at last

Any joke can be a dad joke if it’s disappointed in me enough

I actually prefer that my olive oil has a little bit of experience

I just want enough money to figure out which of my problems can’t be solved by money

If I was a vampire, I’d get a metal straw with a pointy end or a really fat hypodermic needle and just capri sun people

The revolution will be shitposted

9 out 10 dentists agree that it’s “kind of creepy” when I suck on their fingers during my dental exam

[in a hamster wheel] Man, this fucken thing goes uphill both ways

T.S. Eliot’s full name was T-Shirt Eliot

Sometimes I can’t tell whether I’m lonely or if I just need to eat a potato product of some sort

The worst thing about online friends is that they’re often too far away to hug when they need it most

I don’t know about you guys, but I could really go for an extinction event-sized meteor right now

I’ve been looking for black petunias since last summer with no luck- not even at the bigger nurseries. But then today, on World Goth Day, my usual store happened to have ONE pack of black petunias! I told the cashier that I’ve been looking & she said they’re the only ones & they came in yesterday

It’s getting harder to tell whether I’m just having a depressive episode or if everything really is hopeless

I keep seeing all these articles about how to live to be 100 and honestly that sounds awful

Pretty sure I was lied to when I was told that things will get better

[the movie Seven but everyone is chickens] What’s in the bocks?!

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one