Pie Guy

Lost my gynaecologist licence for making my voice echo during exams

Why don’t they make the new Pope selection a reality TV show with competitions “The first person to lasso this dove with a rosary and eat 12 communion wafers is our next pope”

I’m sorry your girlfriend broke up with you because she heard me rev my Honda CRV engine

Got my new American made smartphone today and it shot me in the chest

Woman love a men with good grammar Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Jeff Bezos: hey babe I know you needed “Space” is this what you meant? Aha aha aha His obvious reptilian Girlfriend: *bites his head off*

I was really high and I thought Stephen Hawking was trying to talk to me from the afterlife but it was just my air fryer and microwave beeping at the same time

I remember when I was 6 my grandpa took the batteries out of my gameboy because I was “reliant on technology” Well well well, guess who’s on life support while I need to charge my phone?

I wish I had the confidence of this man calling himself “Mr Beast”

My wife has this weird kink where I dress like I’m going to work and then leave the house for 12 hours

I said “THE FLOOR IS JAVA” when I dropped my coffee and I got a high five from 5 other Dads

I took an upper decker while visiting the White House. I wonder if they noticed? The White House:

I used to be wild and free and now I’m pressing the lock on my key fob to find my car in this parking lot

American cheese is just regular cheese with 70k in hospital bills

They tried to put me in a peach can you believe that? They said they’d in peach me. A good friend of mine, James was put into a giant peach and believe me it wouldn’t be able to contain my bigly hands

If you blink 182 times in the bathroom mirror she will leave you roses by the stairs

My coworker Sarah got kicked in the crotch and nobody laughed when I said I’d call the clambulance

I almost got into a fight over a parking spot but the guy was wearing a Bugs Bunny T-Shirt and I’m not crazy enough to mess with that

I’m white but I’m not “please sign this petition” white

[Showering together] Me: she won’t know if I pee real quick Asparagus:

Trying to make a healthy post but I left the bag of pizza goldfish crackers I ate in the background