Ennui Doofen www.theguardian.com
Trump imposes tariffs on uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands near Antarctica
Australian prime minister surprised after remote external territories – including islands home to penguins – targeted by US president
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Over on IG, I do a lot of visual/audio jokes that don't really work here. Like my silly take on Cinco de Mayo... Check it out, if you'd like. (And see how fast I can talk...)
www.instagram.com/reel/DJAieiO...
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MORGAN FREEMAN: Either get busy living, or get busy dying.
ME: 🤷♂️ *goes coffin shopping*
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Everyone keeps talking about the late Pope Francis, but cut the guy some slack. You can't expect him to be on time, he's dead!
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I bought you a gift for Earth Day! It's in this giant plastic bag, under the wrapping paper, inside this box filled with styrofoam peanuts.
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Considering he just met with JD Vance hours before, has anyone considered the Pope's cause of death a suicide?
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Remember, white smoke means they've chosen a new Pope. 😊 Red smoke means they're releasing yet another Spiderman franchise reboot. 🫤
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Happy Easter! Considering I could barely drag my hungover self out of bed this morning, I have new respect for Jesus being able to rise from the dead.
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ME: Sorry ladies, I'm taken. Isn't that right, baby?
WINE STAIN ON CARPET: So in your eyes we're dating now?
ME: The prettiest gal in town!
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My friend is getting a colonoscopy today and I've got a wonderful suggestion for the doctor on how he could take this year's Easter Egg Hunt to the next level.
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I believe Trump weighs in at a slim 224 just like I believed President Taft spent 2 quality years as a member of Cirque du Soleil.
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People try to tell me how smart my dog is but the last 4 years I've had him do my taxes, I've been audited. 😕
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[The Mayor of New York walks into a crowded McDonald's in Time Square. A hush falls over the room.]
[In the corner, Mayor McCheese calmly chews on a toothpick]
McCheese: Well, well, well... I'm afraid you're out of your jurisdiction, Son.
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The last few weeks I've been absorbed in this really good book. Now that I'm reaching the end, part of me is sad the experience is over but the other part can't wait to see if this guy's gonna eat these green eggs and ham!
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I saw a sign in this residential neighborhood that said "Drive as if your kids lived here", which I assume means fast and in the opposite direction.
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Yes, Trump put tarrifs on an island only inhabited by penguins. But if they didn't have the money, why are they always walking around in tuxedos?
www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...
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"You heard it here first!" I exclaim, to a room full of people who have already heard it.
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Cory Booker got nothing on my Aunt at Thanksgiving...
www.newsweek.com/cory-booker-...
www.newsweek.com
Cory Booker "filibuster" live: Senate floor speech passes 17 hours
The Democrat, 55, who has been attacking cuts under the Trump administration, vowed to keep going "as long as I am physically able."
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Eric Clapton, would you like to explain why you were fired from your job as a prep chef?
Clapton: 🎵 I chopped the carrots... / But I did not chop the celery... 🎶
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ME: I'm not a baby. I just asked if you'd kiss my Boo-Boos.
HER: Fine, where are you hurt?
ME: I'm not.
*Takes out Yogi Bear doll collection*
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My doctor asked if he can change the time of my appointment and I said sure. Figured if I keep him happy, he'll maybe throw in an extra month if it turns out I only have 6 months to live.
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Wow, I can't believe after today, baseball is already 00.61728395061728% over. 😥
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I bought a new TV from this place called Crazy AI's and the guy claimed his prices were so low on account of he was "crazy." I did get a nice 60" for a jar of buttons. Heard he ate a rat later.
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Hand me the remote so I can Fast Forward through the commercials, go too far until we see a spoiler, then hit the back button enough so we still watch commercials.
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Almost forgot, last week was the 15th year anniversary of my first Network Prime Time writing credit! ("Rules of Engagement" on CBS) Good times!
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