my pish

Um, I have the president's ear right now so if you wanna speak to him you can probably just shout into the jar

Volcanoes would be a much nicer place to die if they were made out of cheese

I think we're gonna need a bigger shoulder

Dudley just sneezed in my coffee but I'm drinking it anyway cos kitten love transcends all snot-borne ailments *not medical advice

There's a bit of black plastic stuck in a tree on my street and it turns out the crows here aren't as smart as you might think

Do people who use bread as a bowl even know it's not dishwasher safe?

Myopia sees your opia and raises a bunch of blurry looking fingers

Just dudley having a bit of a puss in boots cosplay moment over here

Assessing each pothole in the road and asking myself, "what would Vib Ribbon do?"

My kitten recognises the word 'lobster' now so i'm not convinced I should have to pay tax anymore

Why waste your time on crash diets and misery when you could hollow out your bones like a bird?

Just scored something off my to-do list that's been there since December and I'm gonna ride this high for months now

But this is my emotional support little screwed up ball of soggy paper - My Cat

Dudley just wants to help cure your caturday hangover

One perfect baked potato could revolutionise your life and if you don't believe me I just hope you find your potato soon

Asserting dominance by maintaining eye contact with my cat while I absolutely wreck the furniture with my opposable thumbnails

I think I keep running out of money because fripperies sound way too delicious to be wasteful

Why stop at wolves? Might be cool to bring back a volcano or 2 from extinction next

Looked through every history book and found no mention of Humpty Dumpty so next time I'm on a wall i'm just gonna fall off if I wanna idgaf

Dudley is now becoming a large and serious gentleman

Skippy the bush kangaroo is Australia's version of crabs, probably