feeder

At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix

Opening a restaurant named ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $80

Happy 3rd anniversary to the cherry tomato that rolled under my refrigerator.

Started a band called ‘Duvet.’ All we play are covers

Ordered ‘medium spice’ at the Indian restaurant. Now I’m sweating, crying, and reevaluating the hubris of my ancestors.

I love Thanksgiving. It’s the one day I can eat like I’m on death row, surrounded by the people who put me there

Yesterday somebody called me 'pretentious'. I nearly choked on my oat milk decaf double choc mocha latte

I always carry a piece of paper in my pocket just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a rock

I love Christmas. It’s the one day I can eat like I’m on death row, surrounded by the people who put me there

Me: I have a PhD in history. Them: Wow, what’s your focus? Me: The intricate lore of Garfield comics

Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

“When I die, this will all be yours.” *gestures to a collection of 14 soy sauce packets and 2 forks from takeout orders*

Nothing says 'I’m a functional adult' like eating cereal for dinner because cooking is just *too much*

Told myself I’d survive a zombie apocalypse. Then I burned my toast this morning and realized I can’t handle small inconveniences, let alone the undead.

I don’t know who decided coffee should come in ‘small’ sizes, but I hope they step on a Lego every day for the rest of their life

Lets place all the power outlets where people will place their furniture. - architects.

Every movie is a horror movie when you’re watching it with someone who keeps asking, ‘Wait, what’s going on? Who’s that? What just happened?

I drink my coffee black because I’m an adult who enjoys suffering. If I wanted something sweet, I’d eat a cupcake and cry in the shower like a normal person.

I love grocery shopping. It’s the one time I spend $200 just to realize I still have nothing to eat

Deleted Snapchat, Tik Tok, and IG, because my mental health can’t take it anymore

I couldn’t remember the word library, so I called it a book museum

Save on electricity by lighting your house with the glow of your unresolved childhood trauma.

“This is a mistake” I whispered, as I get out of bed

Someone called me ‘flamboyant’ yesterday. Almost dropped my artisanal oat milk lavender chai with a hint of cinnamon

That time you saw only one set of footprints in the sand was when Jesus unfollowed you