Bangers

[30 seconds into a jazz song] Omg, I think I really like jazz! [30 seconds later] Alright, enough of this

Dentist: have you been flossing? [flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip the night before] Me: religiously

According to this fortune cookie I'm getting fat "that's an Oreo" *gasps* then it was right

Space X should just change their name to ACME at this point

Cashier: your receipt is in the bag Me: thanks, you too

I’m starting to suspect the government doesn’t want what’s best for me

my 5 year plan is to eventually put my phone down

Congratulations on being famous on the internet. You know who else is also famous on the internet? millions of cats.

maybe she’s born with it, maybe she’s wolverine

Well well well if it isn't the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

Date: I don’t believe in drugs Me, super high: oh they’re out there

Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle

90% of adulthood is just deleting emails

don’t make me turn this country around

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

Interviewer: what are your future plans? Me: lunch Interviewer: I meant long term plans Me: what, like dinner?

not now son, daddy’s life is falling apart but he wants to tell jokes on the internet

Well well well if it isn't the guy whose lawn I woke up on

a morning after pill, but for that really stupid thing you said yesterday in front of everyone