Fresh Tots

the revolution will be monetized

come out with your hands up, Charlie Brown

the MAD TV spy is back!

Live Laugh Lose all hope in humanity

*eating dinner* Me: how is it? Guest: too garlicky Me: *drives a stake through their heart* only a vampire would say that

why use my own brain when i can just use someone else’s - some people

you’re becoming a real teenage dirtbag, Charlie Brown

Friend: i need some fasting tips Me: start out slow and then speed up

Them: you just do it until it becomes second memory Me: memory?

my nickname at work is "i thought they fired you”

pumpkin spiced devil’s kool-aid

i’ll share my tears but i’m keeping my fears

i told myself not to but i never listen to me

every year i wish for peace on earth and every year i get actual earth

i just scrubbed a birthmark off my body. clearly i’m not long for this world

*microdosing reality by just staying baked all the time*

miracle whip puts the ‘con’ in condiment

Me: stop playing with your food Son: if you didn’t want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets? Me: touché

my humble pie is out of this world

i’m super into intermittent fasting. although i just call it being poor

Them: worry about yourself Me: oh i assure you, i will