My Bangers

TOM PETTY: I won't back down TOM OPEN-MINDED: I'd consider backing down

ME *enjoying a pizza*: Mmm, just what the doctor ordered {knock, knock} ME *opening door*: Hello? DOCTOR: Do you have my pizza?

[blind date] HER: I am so against vaccines ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

[blind date] HER: I'm a big country fan. ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large.

AXL ROSE; 🎵Welcome to the jungle...🎶 ME: Oh no, I'm in the wrong place AXL ROSE: 🎵We got fun and games...🎶 ME: I guess I can stay for a bit

"I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!"

[blind date] JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers HER: Oh, thanks. That's very sweet JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

ME: Oh gross, you expect me to eat this green food because it's St. Patrick's Day? WIFE: It's a salad

[pearly gates] ST. PETER: So, tell me a bit about yourself STEVE MILLER: Well, I'm a picker… ST. PETER: Ok STEVE MILLER: I'm a grinner… ST. PETER: Go on STEVE MILLER: I'm a lover… ST. PETER: Anything else? STEVE MILLER: Uh… ST. PETER: Yes? STEVE MILLER: No that's it

Felt cube, might delete later

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: I don't even know why we exist

I still love you, Amber

[grocery store] CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I'm sorry...that was on accident ME: Well you know nothing ever happens "on accident" CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying... ME: Yes, the term is actually "by accident"

Cop: First name please... "Frida" Cop: Last name... "Gomam" Cop: You're Frida Gomam? *peels out* Cop: Nice, nice

In England, math is called crisps.

Cheykjavik before you Reykjavik.

[blind date] HER: I love the fall ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Let's not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

When I was a kid, Minecraft was... well, it didn't exist. We had mining, and we had crafts. They were different things and not connected, other than both being childhood activities.

[33 A.D. Roman Province] PREFECT: How's business? PONTIUS: Well, prophets are down. PREFECT: That's great.

Maybe she's boing with it. Maybe it's trampoline.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *pretending I'm asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed* COP: Oh dang

I just opened up my wireless internet router and well looky here, a bunch of f*cking wires