My Bangers

911: what’s your emergency Me: I DO NOT HAVE ANY CRUNCHY SNACKS 911: sir you are going to die

When you’re a kid you think “when I grow up I can eat pancakes whenever I want” but you don’t realize adults want to eat pancakes all the time, and they must, and good pancakes require sacrifice, and sacrifices require patience and a steady hand and a lifetime walking the spatula’s treacherous edge

YOU ALREADY HAVE NUTMEG CHECK AGAIN

Yes I’m seeing a therapist. Can you see her too is this real

He’s making a list And he’s checking it twice While he’s having a smoke And she’s taking a drag

RE starlight you sent 1500 years ago: sorry, just seeing this

Turns out my ribs weren’t supposed to be making that xylophone sound

Cashier: can I see your ID please Me: uh *raises phone to show flashlight is on for no reason* Cashier: nevermind man you’re good

ME: I wish I’d listened better to the rules GENIE: you’re exceptionally bad at this

For every like I’ll yell through the wall to my neighbor I GOT ANOTHER ONE DARIN I TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK

I’d like to see this much effort put into knowing why we are awake

Doctors are all “don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t salt your food, don’t use all the tongue depressors and fancy swabs and exam table paper to build a horse while you’re waiting blah blah blah

Me: do you ever wonder if these Airbnb hosts have kitchen knives this dull at home Murderer, Currently Bruising Me to Death in My Vacation Rental: you probably have time to leave a review

My Spotify wrapped says I spent 18000 minutes trying to decide what to listen to

Me: do we have any tape Mom: check the phonebook drawer The Phonebook Drawer: 📐 🪡 🗝️📼🧩🔌 📷 💊🏎️🪥🪪 🔋 🔧 ⏲️🩹 🕶️♟️🧲 🪀💍🖊️ 🍭 🔦💿🎖️🖍️ 💾🪃✏️ 🧴🥢 ✉️ 🪙 🥜 🍬 🦵 🪮🪨 🪙🥨 💳 ✒️✂️ 🎗️ ⏰ ✏️ 🐚 🌂 🧵 💄🔩 🔑 🗒️ 🪛🎾🎟️ 👓 🎫 🪭 🐞🦴 🥄

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m canvas, you’re eyelets. I’m laces, you’re suede. We’re only a vulcanization process away from melding our lives in a converse all star.

Got fired from the drive thru for telling customers “The root of your suffering is your desire”

Imagine this: it’s your 80th birthday. You look back satisfied with life. You’re surrounded by people who love you. The Hamburglar is there.

Arranging for my tombstone to provide suggestions of similar humans you might like

Opened Pandora’s box. Popping Pandora’s bubble wrap.

Kendrick Lamar just told everyone in our book club I was wearing these pants yesterday.

I’m leveling up from microplastics and just eating the happy meal toy

[second week of being able to talk to animals] omg you like food I get it

First date idea: sternly walking around the restaurant with a clipboard and eating one item off each table’s appetizer plate

“You will be haunted,” continued the Ghost, “by five gay professionals giving lifestyle and fashion makeovers”