Mostly Just Bangers

Therapist: Make yourself comfortable. Me: If I could do that, I wouldn't be here.

If by "morning person" you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes, then yes, I'm a morning person.

I've been up for 20 hours. There's no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

He wasn't a fng folk hero! He was a white nationalist!

Missed connection: I was vomiting in the bushes outside of Applebees and you asked me for a cigarette. Sorry I punched you.

Coworker: You look tired. Me: Apparently, I also look approachable.

I can tell that Spring is almost here because I'm filled with rage, but I also want to plant flowers.

My parents took 5 photos of me from 1969 to 1990 but I have 67 photos of my cat from this morning.

Thank you for being a lunatic during this difficult time.

There's nothing wrong with an echo chamber of tolerance and intelligence.

You guys, I'm trying out for a 10-piece blues band tomorrow to be their new singer. I'm 56 years old, and I do sing, but I've been terrified to try out for anything until now. I'm forcing myself way outside my comfort zone. Wish me luck. ❤️

I never know what to do with my hands when I'm driving.

I feel as though we've come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

When your employer says "family comes first" they don't mean your family.

I'm in my mid fifties. If a photo of me is 5 years old, it's recent.

Thank you, baby Jesus, for helping my sports team win instead of helping starving children. I know that must have been a tough call.

If I have to "power through" something, then it's clearly not for me.

There's a shortage of jokes because the people who are typically funny are sitting on the floor of the shower rocking and crying.

I had a Dorito stuck in my throat, so I pushed it down with an Oreo.

This is who you're mad at when you're mad at me.

Having an affair sounds exhausting.

If I ever say "I'll make a note of it" and I'm not actively writing, I am lying to you.