girlawhirl

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Like an octopus getting out of a sports bra, so are the days of our lives.

Melee is a pretty name for a girl

Interviewer: What are your strengths? Him: I’m an idea man Interviewer: What are your weaknesses? Him: My ideas suck

Why do they call it urology and not streaming services?

People wouldn’t hate dentists if they gave forehead kisses.

Cheese is like a wig for your cracker.

Me taking all my tweets since 2009 to every other social media site

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

It’s not enough to impeach him, let’s oust him.

How many ounces of tater tots does it take to get to the center of a midlife crisis?

Jellyfish are just goth plastic bags.

They said do what you love, so I went back to sleep.

My net worth is now one large jar of Peter Pan creamy peanut butter.

Men will let America descend into Planet of the Apes without going to therapy.

Triscuits are miniature wicker placemats for cheese.

[In therapy] Why do I have to share my fries with him?

You know what else drives itself, my existential crisis.

I hate when my insomnia kicks in at work.

My life is way too much of a shitshow for someone who has her spices alphabetized.

Ewoks are just goth Care Bears.

Like scarves wrapped around the neck of Johnny Depp, so are the days of our lives.