Torbi is Forbi

I was digging in my basement and found a marionette I made of Robert Plant around 2000-2001 for a high school art project. I poured a Whole Lotta Love into it.

we need a disney princess who eats beef jerky and masturbates

when you’re postpartum and in public hearing someone else’s baby cry

7-year-old brought me breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day

i stopped petting my cat for 6 seconds and he bleated at me like a goat

strawbehemoth

Just stop pretending they’re funny and stop coddling their egos, and then see how quickly they call you hostile. *finger guns*

I had to stop at the dollar store and a toddler in a cart in front of me in line dropped her toy, so I picked it up for her and she did that little whisper yell that kids do and she was like, “THANK YOU, STRANGER DANGER.”

give me sassy frogs or give me death

if you compliment me, my glasses fog up

10-year-old: Oh, my back! 7-year-old: My legs are swelling! Me: You guys okay in here? 7-year-old: Yeah, we’re just playing OLD.

🎵 I didn’t start the dryer It ain’t been turning since the clothes need churning

me when I forget to moisturize after a shower

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother. I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

My kid keeps forgetting the word “cicada,” so he unironically calls them quesadillas.

I’m at the vet and my cat is giving me “I hate your stinkin guts” eyes from his carrier. I better sleep with one eye open tonight.

“What are you going to wear today?” Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

imagine being mad at me and i’m at home chucking nuts and seeds across my driveway hoping that just one corvid will notice me

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

🎵 that’s me in the corner that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite trying to catch a pigeon

well, now i’m convinced i use a lot more worcestershire sauce than everyone else because my bottles don’t last years like y’all’s do. is this a good thing or a bad thing regarding my cooking? i don’t know. it ain’t like I’m taking baths in it.

“Okay, well, that backfired.” —-me to myself 47 times a day