The Pale Space Rider

well there goes my saturday night

just finished a short story for my creative writing class about a guy who kills his classmates in a creative writing class after they criticized his story. can’t wait to share

*explaining to the plastic surgeon what i want and just waiting till he realizes i’m describing a minion*

i just found this show called “murder she wrote” about this old woman writing up alibis for the ungodly number of people she’s clearly killing in her small town

I think aladdin would have been a better movie if gilbert gottfried had voiced jasmine

me: *being handcuffed* kinky cop: stop saying that

┏┓ ┃┃╱╲ In this ┃╱╱╲╲ house ╱╱╭╮╲╲ we ▔▏┗┛▕▔ ╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ outsource our emotions to the internet ╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ ▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

dad: *to my brother* just be yourself me: and me? dad: just be your brother

boss: i hate "yes men” me: yeah. me too boss: i like employees who speak their mind me: yeah. they’re the best boss: you get me me: yep

me: *telling my kid about Santa* if you’re not good, a weird old fat man wearing a ridiculous velvet suit will break into your house and leave you fossil fuels kid: *nervously* why would he do that? me: because a baby was born in a barn, little one. because of barn baby

security guard: sir, you can’t be here me: but i AM here security guard: i understand that, but you can’t be in this area me: i think i have definitely shown that is not true

townsfolk: you should come to the festival me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival? townsfolk: which will entice you to be there? me: oh i’m going regardless

her: you look so nervous me: *nervously* HA. i’m never nervous her: you’re sweating me: *just freaking out* that's bravery moisture

spouse: what’s this? me: the self-help book I’m writing spouse: all it says is “be born rich” me: is it too wordy?

like my mother always said, “get off the roof. someone from the state is here to see you”

friend: what was that? me: oh, just the house settling house: this is my new boyfriend, derek

when on a first date, try to make it memorable: •be a gentleman, •take them to a nice restaurant, •get their fingerprints on a murder weapon.

i’m concerned about my children

me: how much for the baby dragon? pet store clerk: sir, that’s a lizard me: *not listening* when do they start breathing fire?

me: do you have spaghetti? mcdonalds cashier: …no me: would you like some?

spouse: you seem distant me: 🌟 . * . 🌙 * * . 🛰️ . ✨ * . * relative to what? 🚀 . . . . * 🌏 * 🌞 * ☄️

doctor: you only got one body. you should take care of it me: if i only got one body, i should probably use it up. really run it ragged doctor: ... me: get my money’s worth

interviewer: waht’s your greatest strength? me: my sword interviewer: uh...okay. and what’s your greatest weakness? me: i don’t know how to use a sword