To,o m,a,ny c,o,mm,a,s

Maybe that one McDonald's employee can make up for turning Luigi in by being the same guy to put ricin in drump's big mac meal.

How about we rename it the Gulf of Your Mom

Nothing matters. Eat that 10pm giant bowl of off brand honey nut cheerios with a bunch of sugar dumped on it because literally nothing matters anymore

I'll only call it X now that we all dumped it.

A safe word but for like "whoa dude, I'm not quite as flexible as I was 20 years ago"

Rebelling against my teen going to a baptist church by blasting Chappell Roan when I pick him up from Wednesday night youth group

Have kids if you want to make a restaurant quality dinner that everyone complains about.

Hi fellow Americans. Today I got a Tdap, MMR, and flu vaccine (I neglected to do it in the fall but since we still have several weeks of flu season left I figured it won't hurt) at CVS. All were 100% covered by my insurance.

Watching this season of Handmaid's Tale after they just voted to disenfranchise millions of American women in the voting process hits way differently than watching the first season where we were all like "but this could never happen here...right?"

If I could invent anything, it would be a mirror that showed everyone their attractiveness based on their insides. Their values, kindness, intelligence, humor, compassion, empathy would determine whether they were "hot" or not.

Sorry you got mad when my sister and I called you out at the aquarium yesterday for feeding a squirrel right in front of a sign that said "don't feed the wildlife," random old white dude from Ohio. But in our defense, we will no longer yield to disrespectful men.

Fozzie Bear is the only Muppet I'm remotely attracted to but I swore off dating other comics after my 3rd open mic so I guess what I'm saying is I'll never have muppet babies

Good morning to the next Luigi Mangione only.

Gonna start dropping "we are currently clean on OPSEC" into the family group chat about our kids' sports games until my mom gets mad and kicks me out.

Cancel Hulu/Disney/ESPN.

Wait, do y'all not have a favorite serial killer?

Is there such a thing as a gentle domme? Like I'm too tired to dress up and be mean. Just let me cook for you, let you rest against my warm pillowy bosoms, and then I'll let you lie there while I do what I want (which is mostly a very slow, intimate cowgirl and a lot of making out). Then you go home

Reminds me of the writings of Bartolomé de las Casas about how colonizers treated indigenous populations in the Caribbean and Central America. But this shouldn't be shocking since we still have a Columbus Day. We've always revered cruelty to those who "stand in our way."🙄

Michelle Obama wears a tank top to the parade and everyone celebrates how she's dressed appropriately and for her own personal comfort.

OMG it's Megatron isn't it

My massage therapist: what areas do you want me to focus on today? Me: My neck, my back... *intense eye contact*