my posts

patient: i thought you said you were a doctor me [mixing pills indiscriminately]: i said i’m practicing medicine

i’m on cloud 9. first 8 got hacked so i’m pretty upset

me [coughing blood into white handkerchief]: i feel the seaside air may invigorate my spirit boss: you don’t need to ask for time off this way

friend: i said slumber party me [dropping pile of scrap wood]: that makes more sense

me: how’d the date go friend: i got ghosted me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

[first rodeo] me: i can’t wait until I have more experience with this

cop: we’ve had reports of you impersonating an officer me: wₑ’ᵥₑ ₕₐd ᵣₑₚₒᵣₜₛ ₒf yₒᵤ ᵢₘₚₑᵣₛₒₙₐₜᵢₙg ₐₙ ₒffᵢcₑᵣ cop [welling up]: quit it

me: i would like to buy these craft supplies please michael: no these are mine

[Pompeii 79 AD] me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. nothing could ruin this day.

waldo [at the gym]: can you spot me

my neurons are firing they just have the aim of a stormtrooper

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

chef: hand me the cardamom me: like…the little sweater, chef?

santa [eating red velvet cupcake]: make me a suit of this

[some of the way] kids in the back seat: can we stop jingling the bells now? me [through gritted teeth]: what does the song say

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

wife: did you bring the canapés? me [holding peas]: why are you saying it weird

me: umm actually that’s frankenstein’s monster friend: oh my bad *puts down energy drink* frankenstein: don’t sweat it bro

goose: it’s really good you’ll like it gander: stop ordering for the table

I wonder if my dog ever looks at me when i’m sleeping and is just like omg so cute look at him

me: hey can i get some ground? groundhog: you may not.

me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. you get it? pharaoh: i actually love this

you only ever hear about krill in the context of being eaten by whales but like who are they really? what are their hobbies?