thank you for visiting.

This is gonna be great.

[interrupting orientation] Haha DON’T YOU WORRY I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE DRILL *lid launches off pot as I gesture to row of potential coworkers now covered in coffee*

R - E - S - P - E - C - T J - K - L - M - N - O - P

WebMD: you have all the diseases Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

I love the name Siobahn for being spelled so Irish but pronounced so funk rhythm section.

Just learned that people’s hair and nails keep growing even after they’re dead to me.

Me, entering room: what did I come in here for lol Cellmate: assaulting a Grimace.

ME: I’ve never been to a place this fancy DATE: you’re supposed to use one fork at a time

Anxiety: YOU GOTTA GET UP! Depression: to get down.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

My advice: choose your friends wisely, marry your best friend, steal an armored vehicle, do you have an impenetrable hidden fortress, let’s go back to the “wisely” thing maybe I should have started with the big picture

I’m sorry I thought it would be funny to mail your tiny home to your mom.

Dad thought it was funny to say, “whoa was that a barking spider?” every time he saw Lola our eight legged dachsund.

If you keep going, there are really only six or seven turtles and then it’s capybaras all the way down.

If people tell you not to touch your face, keep things interesting by responding, “Oh, it’s not mine.”

George Michael: put your tiny hand in mine Dr. Frankenstein: first give me the big leg

I’m not “sneak eating,” I’m enjoying m&ms in a judgment-free zone (the garage).

They say everything happens for a reason, and I swear to you my deadly team of super assassins will find and destroy it.

Hey newskies starting a new hellthread: reply with a photo of what’s in your fridge so we don’t have to get up and check again in five minutes

[terrified “who are you and what are you doing here” voice]: HOW ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER

I hope they don’t add a “views” metric unless it’s “people who didn’t engage but think you’re cool”

[DIY home repair] Me: *glitter is everywhere* A MAN’S ONLY AS GOOD AS HIS TOOLS, DENISE

A service where all the great works of literature are delivered to your phone with no punctuation or paragraph breaks via voice-to-text from your mom

Party tip: A pork pie hat is a single serving. A ten gallon hat will handle pork pie for 10-12 guests.

They never get my name right at Starbucks, but “Barbara” is close enough and I’m not gonna say no to free coffee.