toast all around

Once again confusing the way things are now with the way things are now for me

A Taco Bell drive-thru menu stands alone on a barren hill. A crowd gathers. Quiet. Waiting. Some sway & squint, wiping sweat from foreheads & necks. Others, exhausted, sit smiling on dry, patchy grass. A warm voice crackles from the speaker: “The Baja first shall be Baja Blast.”

My cat got diagnosed with a condition called “megacolon” which requires motility medication, daily laxatives, and occasional enemas. But it’s all worth it if I aggressively mispronounce it “M’Jaclyn” whenever we go to the vet. It’s a lovely name, really.

Me: Everything the light touches is our kingdom The light: [frantically washing its hands] ew! ew! ew! Why is it sticky?!?

and every breath we drew was a labubu

Was it Ad-Rock or MCA who first said, “I’m Mike D and I get respect”?

Got fired from chik-fil-a for responding to all customer thank yous with “my plesiosaur.” Nobody even cared that I was always gesturing toward the nearby loch.

Every time I get out of the shower my cat jumps in to lick up the water left in the tub in case you were wondering who the Sydney Sweeney of this O’Reilly Auto Parts is.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Cousin Larry comes to me

Me: I tried to change the wake-word on my phone from “Hey Siri” to “Ok Edge” so I could be like, “Ok Edge, play the blues” or “Ok Edge, set a timer for 15 minutes.” Now my flashlight won't turn off. See? Anesthesiologist: He's already counted down from 100 twice. Maybe just hit him with the mallet?

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird! Me: Cause you only fly away? Nelly Furtado: [taking a dump on the hood of my car] Something like that, yeah. [runs full speed into a sliding glass door]

Had a great skeet where I’m asking The Once-ler which wolf will win in the battle for my heart and he replies, “The wolf you thneed” but I forgot the setup.

Me: As you know, the Bible has no stage directions, so when Jesus says “do this in remembrance of me” many biblical scholars believe that what he was actually doing…was this [continues to Macarena] Priest: Please just take the wafer

Murderer: So I had tears in my eyes and I said to my therapist “How could my dad treat me that way?” She looks at me and—I’ll never forget this—she says “Marvin, kill people kill people.” Me: Do you mean “Hurt people hurt people?” Murderer: No, that was my old job. Anyway, [returns to stabbing me]

Piano Man: And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar And say, "Man, what are you doin' here?" Exhausted Olive Garden Waiter [on the phone with corporate]: then the 3rd verse was about how it’s not really “unlimited breadsticks” if it ends when we close.

Clocks should show the “feels like” time.

Butterfly in the hole I can go twice as low

An app where you never stop saying goodbye

Me: Shaving bears? Coworker: [clearly shaving a bear] More like barely shaving! Me, Coworker, and Half-Shaven Bear: [Exaggerated Corporate Office Laughter]

Indy: Or maybe Jenny’s not answering because it was never a phone number at all. [He mumbles numbers as he drags his finger slowly across a map] Of course. 8.675-3.09. It’s coordinates. Indy & Sallah together: They’re dialing in the wrong area code. Indy: Pack a bag. And buy us 3 tickets to Lagos.

Bro, that is clearly 2 ingredients.

I probably ate half this box of Breathe Rite strips before I realized you’re supposed to unwrap them.

No year, no you.