Things my fingers said

You can't even roast a baby in the oven for an hour at 200 degrees celsius these days because of woke.

I always book into the quiet carriage on a train so that people can't scream when I start killing.

Banned from the local karaoke bar for my version of R.E.M's "Everybody Hurts," which I perform with a mannequin that I stab repeatedly throughout the song.

Crashing through the door of a sewing shop with your eyelids threaded together screaming 'PLEASE HELP ME, I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A SCARF."

It's the people that actually keep gloves in the glove box of their car you have to worry about.

Apparently, loudly pronouncing "HE DIES IN THE END" is simply annoying during a film but 'incredibly upsetting' in intensive care.

I still scream dial-up Internet sounds when I connect to WiFi because it sets the tone of what I'm about to experience being online in 2025.

I like to drink when I'm cooking so I can maintain a calm nonchalance when the kitchen catches fire.

I like to go to protests because it's nice to hang around with women who are angry at someone else.

On a flight with a German airline and during the safety briefing, they explained that instead of oxygen masks in the event of an emergency, sausages will be deployed from the panels above our heads.

In a holding cell at the pencil museum because they saw the outline of a sharpener in my pocket as I was going in.

"We use cookies to enhance your browsing experience." Amateurs, I use cookies to enhance every experience.

I like to walk into McDonald's dressed as a clown, approach the counter and say,'I've come to speak to Ronald?' and watch all the staff panic.

After Tom Cruise takes his heels off, he removes false leg and torso panels until he is the height of a cat.

I'm flying to Frankfurt in a couple of weeks. I'm going to shout "ALL OF YOU ARE DELICIOUS FRANKFURTERS" at passport control and will update you after as to what the German deportation process is like.

I like to wait for the server in an Italian restaurant to offer extra parmesan and have them sprinkle it on my plate until it overflows and fills the entire room so everyone is just swimming in cheese.

I just want a toaster that toasts bread evenly and tells me my hair is pretty.

Misheard the Paralympics as the Parrot Olympics and after investigation I'm very impressed but also incredibly disappointed.