Brandomonium Skeets

Sorry I’m late, boss. I had to give my cat uppies

bachelorbator masturbator doctorbator

Doing hard drugs tonight (sleepytime tea and ashwagandha)

This is the least concerning thing that’s has happened in the US in years

🎵 I was lookin for grubs In all the wrong places Lookin for grubs In pots and in vases 🎵

I’m going to start peppering my new word “crammiterated” into my conversations and see if anyone notices

I don’t know why they named this thing a platypus. It’s clearly a quackadingus

Calling my nemesis a “canonical chucklefuck” so they can’t retcon it later

Say, that’s a nice shitpost you got there. Be a reeeeal shame if somebody…reposted it

Pw[eighth note rest]’.

There’s a fine line between using a large vocabulary and being an effete douche

Tag yourself I’m Waka Waka

My new license plate came in

Me when I remember that all things come to an end and joy is ephemeral

I can’t right now, I’m roasting my dog in her 360 review

“canker sore” sounds like the most annoying reptile of the Cretaceous

Ok which one of you bozos is gonna make me pancakes cuz I’m sure not gonna do it

They call me Bessie

Never again will I read this name any way besides J-kwellin

I didn’t know I could get excommunicated for motorboating a statue of Mary, but here we are nonetheless

Me when you did the thing I asked you not to do

How it feels to try on clothes as a tall gangly person

Chicago Pope has a poppy seed bun with peppers, tomatoes, and celery salt