Helladelphia Bobsylvania

Think I may quit my job and start doing computers. Anybody know how to do computers?

Let’s all tell our moms we’re sleeping at each other’s houses

Just got emailed a special offer to bundle Disney+, Hulu, and ESPN+ with the fall of democracy.

Maybe voraciously devouring cookies and allowing the crumbs to fly through the air and/or fall all over your chest is normal and YOU… are the monster.

I’m here to chew gum

“Wing of bat. . . eye of newt. . . toe of camel. . .” — A witch, conjuring up a new pair of yoga pants

Pours a little blood out of my headless bat, and raises it.

Pretty sure Trump is fine. Saw him last night eating the cheese off a pizza box lid on my back porch. He heard me, reared up on his hind legs, stared for a second, and then just kept eating the cheese. I was pretty hammered at that point (possibly also high) so I just went to bed.

The scum doesn’t fall far from the bag.

I'd ask the magic 8-ball if I would ever be trim again but it's all the way across the room and I have nachos in my lap.

"I was doing parkour... flipped over this wall so fast my pants flew off... then landed weird on a Red Bull can." - Overheard in triage at the ER

ME: Beast mode. INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry. Beast mode isn’t a skill we are looking for or, well, a skill at all. ME (furry back bursting from my suit, buttons flying) Thank you for your consideration (walk off with my tail between my legs)

How to Coldplay Your Marriage in One Easy Step

JARDIANCE On Broadway!

big salad will fix me

I’m eating chips right out of the bag like some cool college kid in a movie.

If a tree falls on Steve Guttenberg and Michael Winslow is not around, does it make a sound?

50. Is it too late to become a pilot? Cuz I already got a mustache.

Georgia O'Keefe would have had the best selfies.