Best Stuff

[ceo tossing and turning in bed] the air. the air they breathe should be a subscription service.

now if only this existential dread could burn off stubborn belly fat

the gay agenda is to just not get exterminated

plagiarism actually stole all its letters from other words

you should eat healthier but also a salad costs $40 now

not a psychopath but instead a full on psychohighway

the noise cats make when they see birds is the noise i make when i see a cup of coffee

what made up thing causes you the most stress mines money

i cant believe i paid for a device that allow people to reach me whenever they want

i am enraged to find out they are called cuttlefish and not cuddlefish why cant things be nicer

maybe if I had a visible health bar id be more careful with how i treat my body

the government isnt functioning properly why do i have to

i cant believe that money is imaginary and has to be protected but my right to be gay is up for debate

stupid brain locked up in its bone armor just smugly pumping sad into my bloodstream

*looking around* well at least all this anxiety is for a reason

americans love to rag on the french but if this was all happening in france there would already be some headless politicians

nihilism is just goth whimsy

feelings are just hallucinations that you cant see

i know the earth isnt flat because no company is trying to sell me a trip to see the edge of it

someone should invent a site where i can write down every inane thought that pops into my head

[interviewer] and what about this space on your resume? [me] oh thats when i gave up for a bit

the worst part of waking up is the buffering

a simple and easy way to turn invisible is age

*wakes up from a scary dream into a scary but more absurd reality*