batkaren's most liked

Sadly, we must live in the apocalypse we’re dealt, never the one we desire.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, so I asked, “Do you get a lot of people impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

When J Lo and I inevitably divorce, yes please use the photo of me as Batman.

female mantis: pray, love, eat

By age 35, your 500-foot burial pyramid should already be 80% complete.

“I’ll miss this place,” the graduating senior says. “You’ll see it again.” I smile. “In dreams, whenever you have anxiety. It won’t be exactly the same… That’s why you’ll be lost. And late for class. Then you’ll realize you haven’t attended all year. There’s a test.” “Wh—“ “You haven’t studied.”

No more outsourcing from abroad—the US will now cultivate its own tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free domestically.

KRANGAROO

All the unidentified phone numbers you block are calls from your future self trying to warn you about your terrible choices.

Saw a survey asking, "Where do you stand regarding current events?" and immediately thought, "Oh, I definitely oppose them."

I dream that one day Steve Martin and Martin Short find their perfect third named Short Steve to complete the circle.

“Hey, I’m Luke’s Uncle Owen, and I dress similarly to others here on Tatooine.” “And I’m Luke’s Aunt Beru. I wear a jean jacket over a butterfly collar blouse and look like an extra from the Partridge Family.”

HER: Your welcome— HIM: It's "you're" welcome HER: —is overstayed

The old woman began a slow clap. "Bravo for once again not listening to me about the clams."

Normalize referring to health insurance executives accepting 7-figure salaries for denying life-saving coverage as contract killers.

As I make the jump to hyperspace, I realize I left the baby on top of the ship.

When my elevator opens on another floor, I say “I’m high risk for Covid and can’t share, but I’ll get out and you can take it”. Folks seem to think I mean *I* have Covid, and they back away mumbling. Honestly wish I’d thought of this years ago — people stepping back in disgust is all I ever wanted.

Rated NCC-1701 for violence to red shirts

I stand under the shower's spray—blood from my would-be usurper clone twisting down the drain—and slowly realize all my scars are missing…

They say you can never go home, namely because you’ve changed so much as a person that the dynamic between you and the physical space no longer exists as it once was…but for me, it’s due to one highly specific town ordinance.

Pretty done with stories about dudes snogging chicks who were drugged unconscious—let’s return to simpler tales where if a guy saw a chick bathing naked, she turned him into a stag and set his own hounds on him to rip him limb from limb.

The most realistic scene in the original Alien movie is when the xenomorph kills Harry Dean Stanton, and the cat just watches in absolute bored indifference.

Everyone makes fun of the third wise man for gifting myrrh. It’s old-timey A+D ointment. He brought diaper rash cream. Most relevant baby gift there.