My bangers

YOU ARE NOT A REFUGEE. YOU ARE A LATE ADOPTER OF A NEW MEDIA PLATFORM. LET'S SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW.

Boy, whisper in my ear those six specific words I want to hear: two new dung beetle species discovered.

Are folks really just clicking follow all on starter packs? WHAT IF YOU END UP FOLLOWING YOUR MOM.

KILLING ME LOUDLY WITH HIS GONG.

A colleague tried to throw me under the bus but joke's on them because THIS IS WHERE I LIVE ANYWAY. I AM THE MAYOR OF UNDER BUS TOWN.

"Oh yes, don't mind him, he came with the place." *points to medieval executioner glowering from the dining nook

The Love Shack is a little old place where we can get dismembered.

My goal is to consume enough salt that when I die my body is already fully preserved.

He drinks a Windex drink He drinks a Clorox drink He drinks a Lysol drink He drinks a Woolite drink I get knocked down.

Books go bad if you leave them out on the counter unfinished for too long. You could end up with listeria, salmonella, some sort of giant worms on the brain. Better to stay up until 4 am and finish the things, really. You are an adult now, with responsibilities to uphold and an example to set.

I contain millipedes.

Washing down a cup of mayonnaise with another cup of mayonnaise.

"My eyes are up here," she says with an elegant gesture to the top shelf of curious jars and grotesqueries.

"I know a place," she whispers as she pulls you head first down into the bog.

"I don't know man, I just work here." Me, where I absolutely do not work.

I will absolutely not, under no uncertain circumstances, take you to funky town.

The Garbage Pail Kids are now in charge of the US Department of Sanitation.

Always the bridesmaid. Take off the pea green dress to find yourself in another dress, this one with weird shoulders. Shave your head at night, wake to a full updo. The groomsmen come, carting you off on a haystack, in a wheelbarrow. There is no way around it. You are always the bridesmaid. Always.

Cauterizing where the thoughts come out.

I'm sorry, I have eaten too many cured meats to come into the office today.

Wonder if I could get my whole head in this compression sock.

A vampire that has a tube installed in your jugular and wears you on its back like a hydration pack.