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- 📅 Updated 10 months ago
- ⚙️ Provider skyfeed.me
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Me: Wanna settle this like men?
Him: Darn right I do!
*we go outside and start filling our cargo shorts pockets to see whose holds more*
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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Hang in there, folks! In just one more month, the government is going to introduce a plentiful and inexpensive food called Soylent Green.
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Most folks don't know that if you try to deposit Kohl's cash at the bank, they have to clothes your account.
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Take it from me: I'm a reverse kleptomaniac.
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I always buy decibels in bulk so I can get a volume discount.
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Using a butter alternative is only margarineally effective.
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You kids aren't going to believe this: there was a time when Medina was both cold AND funky.
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Polyester towels: For when you just want to pretend to dry off.
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Why aren't Santa's little helpers called Subordinate Clauses?
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Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
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Woke up this morning to find water all over the floor of my hydroponic scallion garden. Apparently there's a leek.
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Murderer: *searching frantically for a knife*
Me: They're all in the sink.
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I used to love Thanksgiving leftovers, but this year I'm quitting cold turkey.
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Sometimes I sneak into Employees Only bathrooms so I can void where prohibited.
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What idiot called them hemp pants instead of chronic fatigues?
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