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starbucks barista: order for cathy lou cthulhu: (visibly incensed) i guess that's me

[making pizza rolls] instructions: heat them up me: yes instructions: let them cool me: no

me: good morning Killbot killbot: good morning sir, shall i kill you this morning sir or prepare a smoothie me: smoothie please killbot: excellent choice sir i shall try again tomorrow

hello, 911? yes, there are a bunch of people here and they are absolutely DEMANDING some figgy pudding

doctor: your blood glucose is over 800 cookie monster: is that bad doctor: sir it's deadly Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie

[you find a mysterious charging port on your body] oh no [also it’s not usb-c] OH NO

saw the John Wick sequel yesterday, Wicked. they went a wildly different direction with the story but it was still very good

nice jam you’ve got there, be a real shame if someone pumped it up

traditionally, one of the strongest negotiating positions is when the entire world viscerally hates you

i came up with a plan: ride bikes read books write posts walk dogs

if you remade The Six Million Dollar Man today it would be about a normal american with a chronic medical issue

one time I accidentally brought a pizza to a gunfight instead of a gun and we ate the pizza and resolved differences until the last slice of pizza was up for grabs and a gunfight broke out

you’re telling me the white house car sale didn’t work??

big day coming up for people who like dinner

imagine being such a huge dork that an entire thriving web site and community exists simply because you suck

[first day as a doctor] me: inside of you are two wolves patient: …you mean lungs? me: (looking at x-ray again) you know what

waiter: don’t touch the plate it’s very hot *sets plate down in the weirdest place*

reflecting back to one of the greatest “chips” i’ve ever eaten. a guy died two booths over when i crunched it

i saw my wife eating grape nuts with my ice cream eating spoon and i’m having a hard time with it. that spoon is for fun only

[sword swallowing class] me: (struggling to swallow sword) instructor: try turning it the long way

the worst part about doing laundry is having to eat all the lint from the dryer trap, I wish there was a different way

i bet when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point please do not unfollow me

the most unrealistic thing about Star Wars movies imo is that at no point did they ever leave the house for an adventure only to realize that one of the droids is at like 13% battery level

billboard: hey look at me me: can’t I’m driving billboard: come on look me: eyes on the road billboard: pls it’s important me: fine what is it billboard: drive safely lol