my best

My wife and I are at the age where we wake up, drink coffee and just continuously clear our throats for 45 mins.

If you pretend that you're erasing evidence of a murder while cleaning the bathroom, you'll do a better job and it's more fun!

Plot twist, I've got the cat's tongue.

*points to fridge* ...and this is where I keep my feelings.

I drive into every traffic circle prepared to die.

Being an adult is just having a favorite spatula and being angry when it's dirty.

Somehow the more streaming services you've got the less there is to watch.

I need a heating pad for my soul.

Chickens won't even cross the road anymore for fear of being detained.

Well on the bright side, my addiction to news has completely vanished.

I wish people could die from having too much money.

I get it Bluesky, I too am overwhelmed.

I swear I can hear google sigh when I start typing in their search bar.

There's never been a better time to detach from reality and go completely insane.

I'm so old that if I became a rapper, I'd call myself Knee Pain.

With my luck the world would end right after I spent all day cleaning the house.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

Time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther's Original out of pocket*

I put a bar of soap on my head in the shower and just stand there. I call it trickle down washonomics.

Maybe this weed gummy will fix me. Maybe 10 beers will fix me. Maybe sleep will fix me. Maybe a gallon of coffee will fix me...

Girl, are you the door of this Tesla that's engulfed in flames? Cuz I can't get you to open up.

I'm not part of the problem or part of the solution. I'm a secret 3rd thing.

I love this place. It's jokes, it's pet pictures and it's me trying not to lose my mind.

My Internet is down so I guess I'll go watch a 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray like my ancestors did.

Is "No Fun February" a thing? Cuz I feel like an unwilling participant.