Fat Gandalf

Mathematicians be like 'It's not an infinity pool, it's a p∞l'

Not to brag, but Bjork wrote Big Time Sensuality after seeing me sing Careless Whisper outside a supermarket, dressed in my karate uniform.

They accept cash in the Vatican but they prefer it if you use PayPal *catapults phone into the sun

[sees a guy selling drugs outside the supermarket] *whispers to self* Pablo Tescobar

ME: I used to love fishing when I was young. DATE: Did you fish with your dad? ME: No I mostly used lures HER: Check PLEASE!

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: If I opened a Sunday school I'd call it 'Taughts And Prayers' HER: Sometimes it's best to just say 'nothing'

ME: So when you're saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

If I worked in the history department in a university I would call the login code for my computer my 'pastword' lol and I would be the most popular historian ever.

Mispronouncing the number after 39 is my forte.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding.

Her: I love a tough guy Me: I’ve got some scars Her: Ooh. Show me one. Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called 'Courtugese' and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

My daughter spilled her protein shake on her bed so I said 'now you have a wheyted blanket lol' and then my wife called the cops.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

The b in doubt is there to cast doubt into how you actually spell doubt.

If they elect an American Pope they can call him Uncle Psalm

[getting arrested for impersonating a priest] I KNOW MY RITES!!

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus, The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction?

I have now been kicked out of a gang for using old English not once, not twice but THRICE!

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else had a man cave?

I find the link between the religious side of Easter and the giant magical bunny to be very dubious. I guess you could say I'm an eggnostic. *catapults phone into the sun

DATE: So tell me something about yourself ME: I like to call frozen burgers 'brrrgers' HER: I need to see other people

Aaaah Good Friday, or as the French call it, Bon Jovi.

JESUS: So why is it called The Last Supper? JUDAS: Oh we're not all calling it that JESUS: What? JUDAS: What?

🎵Cereal for breakfast And Cereal for dinner Cereal for supper Like some kind of winner Cereal at midnight Ate over the sink These are a few of my favourite things