It's Smooooooo

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a family of fainting goats

Making an entrance into a meeting by sliding down the boardroom table is only wicked cool if you don’t hit the wall at the other end

We passed a man so old that my daughter said if we pushed him over it would be an assassination

I like my submarines like I like my Ledbetters Yellow

I do believe that I have perfected the art of the ugly cry Come at me fellas

I’ve had too much coffee and now I can hear the color blue

Me: spinning around in my chair till I fall off My boss and workmates at this meeting : …

Show me a place that’s real but doesn’t look real

Me: sorry for falling asleep while you were speaking Boss: I haven’t said anyth… Me: zzzzz

For various reasons, many of which are unknown to even myself, I’ve decided to embark on a personal challenge to go for a run every day Because I have lost all traces of funny, I’m going to share this pathetic attempt here

I forgot why I came in here - a memoir

Can’t, checking for my invite to a top secret war ops group chat

There’s never been a popularity contest that I couldn’t lose

I’d like to personally thank every person who did not sit in the chair next to me when there were other options

You meet the man of your dreams but then he says “pacifically”

Gimli: you can have my axe Legolas: and you can have my bow Aragorn: *has left the chat*

A sunflower for my sunflowers

Not really sure that I’ve ever been this quiet for this long You’re welcome

I’m the human equivalent of a blooper reel

Like you’ve never fallen off your chair during a teams meeting because a spider crawled up your leg