Jackie's Pesto Manifesto

Me birdwatching: Why isn't that bird moving? Oh, it's a leaf.

It's the Gulf of Mexico.

There's a shortage of jokes because the people who are typically funny are sitting on the floor of the shower rocking and crying.

It's easier to buy a gun in America than it is to adopt a kitten.

I thanked my husband for cleaning the kitchen, and he said he didn't clean it. I thanked my son, but he said he didn't clean it, either. That leaves me.

40 years ago, people shopped at Whole Foods because they were poor.

I've unfollowed all accounts that make me feel feelings. I'll no longer be doing that.

Hello kids! This is a River Otter. Not only is he cute, he's also ferocious. He will adorably pull you under the water and drown you and then rape your corpse. Isn't he precious?

Horrible things don't happen for a reason. People just tell themselves that so they won't have a nervous breakdown.

Come on, you guys! Katy Perry had a spiritual experience! She's made of pure love!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I tend to repeat myself.

I'm a real character in the sense that, like a cartoon character, I wear the same outfit everyday.

I talk to my cat as though he's going to respond.

Maybe if I work until I'm eighty-two, I'll have a few bucks left to get that new cook top.

You guys I finally just took a profile picture that I don't hate. My hair is growing back and I drank some water. I feel so much better. I hope you all have a great day.

I can crack a vertebrae sneezing.

Aaaaaaand he just put the tarrifs on hold and the market has recovered. This is fun!

My body isn't a temple. It's more of a falling down shed.

I'm eating my feelings.

This is who you're mad at when you're mad at me.

I joke about my weight because it's much easier than going to the gym.

Hot singles in my area are drinking all my favorite Red Bulls.

I always think I want to do stand-up and then I remember that I'm asleep by 9:00.